SWEET ANTICIPATION

empty

2008-12-05T00:32:00.003+08:00

everything i do is always my fault, nothing i do is ever right, and everything i touch screws up.
everything i do, with good reason or ulterior motive, is always wrong.
everything i say, is always wrong.
even when i dont say anything or dont do anything, it is still my fault.
why, cos i'm the bane of this existence. im wrong in true form, fleshed out.
why why why why why

noone, noone.

:)

2008-11-14T01:14:00.000+08:00

I'm Still A RockStar,

2008-11-10T23:33:00.004+08:00

So,
So what I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
And now that were done
I'm gona show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

Makes me remember what it was about Pink that made me love her as a tween.
~~A spark~~ A truckload of insanity; such a personality.
And the desire to be a ROCKSTAR.

The tree trunk part, and the one with the noob just-married couple, those really cracked me up.

I want a long, long holiday,
with you in one room and my family in a coupla others,
maybe I could rent a gigantic bungalow off the Caribbean,
or maybe it could just be the two of us.
Give me time to unwind, destress, spa, go snorkelling, look for seashells like I did as a kid.
Yeah, I think the two of us and a vacation sounds really good.

Today on the walk home from the bus stop, I skipped down the steps at my grandmother's old block, like I used to as a kid. Something I never do anymore, not for years. I looked to the right, beneath the bridge, where they found my dog after she slipped out the gate and got lost. A few more steps up, and my K2 kindergarten - up a little more, my K1 and nursery kindergarten. On the right, my siblings' primary school; on my left, the shop I always go to for tidbits and snacks, or a Sprite to cool the heat. Next to my block, the Shop n Save where all the aunties know my parents and grandparents. Behind my block, the Sheng Siong where the auntie pissed me off, with infinitely cheap stuff. In the void deck, where I used to scoot around in that plastic scooter of mine, trying to smash myself into the wall. The little step where I stand, place my arms around him and kiss him goodbye every time he sends me home. All around, places with good food, buses to infinite places, quick routes to a million mrt stations. So many memories, good and bad.

Maybe I'll be back someday, I'll miss the black floors and my parents' lime green walls. My exploded cooker, the sinking sinks. The filthy tub, the black doors, the dusty things cluttered around, which we've been sieving through and throwing away, heaving away half of our
memories...

I've been living here for almost 12 years...
I don't know how I can bear to leave, and I really wish we didn't have to.

MERITOCRACY, IS LOST.

2008-11-07T00:52:00.003+08:00

its late at night, friday's work shift starts in less than 8 hours, and i know i shd be happy abt my grades, and i am.

but there are certain things, fuck it, that i am VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT.
1) the grading system
2) evaluation
3) impressions
4) wtf list????? not even based on merit, that one is once again, based on impression of effort
5) how i believed that an extra six months of hands on in nyp might have benefited me more. but now, i think it might not have been the best thing i have done in life. and i hope saying this does not affect any of my future grades etc.
6) how this semester's grades are truly one-of-a-kindly FUCKED UP.
7) HOW DID YOUR MOTHER BRING YOU UP SIA??? I'm sure lots of people know who i'mtalking about.

what happened to pure merit, where people where graded according to their effort and merit?
why has the system evolved to become one where you are graded on what some people think of you, and what they think you do in a group? maybe they should put cameras, survey what students do on a 24/7 basis. that way it'd be fair. alot more work, but fair systems. what happened to meritocracy??

apparently, they might think they have a perfect grading system, but i tell you, it's flawed.
and alot of people are not happy about it, but are just afraid to voice out.
what makes you think that silence is consent, or worse, contentment?

yeah you say you take it seriously, i really believe you do, but perhaps, take a better look at things before judging. because what you see may not be everything you need to know.

you and I know it.

Pfft

2008-11-06T17:01:00.002+08:00

We all have one thing on our minds now that its here,
and that is to eliminate injustice. How we go about doing so, stealthily, quietly, but jusitfiably, is the challenge.
Some are rewarded due to luck, impressions. That is why I feel it's right to stop looking at those on top, and start looking at the ignored. And start making changes to the system, sweeping out unfair loopholes and inadequate/lazy investigations.
Because some, like I have already mentioned, live a life of luck, while others live through efforts, which are sometimes underappreciated, or worse, unknown of.

It's so unfair, and yes the world is never fair. But I think "the world is never fair" might just prove to be an immature statement. I think it's high time people start doing things and stop giving excuses like "the world is never fair". Because it could be, with the right practices, ideals and policies. You shouldn't just lay back and do nothing, watch others step on heads, and say "nah it's like that, world's cruel and unfair". Perhaps its time someone got rid of the "unfair world" excuse, and start making things fair around here.

Like"I'm tired", or "I'm lazy", "I'm having PMS", "I don't know,"
"the world is never fair" is just another sorry excuse.

You, you better watch your step.

And if you think I was talking about US policies, you're wrong.
p.s. OBAMA ROCKS MY SOCKS.

Lost, but hopefully recoverable.

2008-10-13T15:21:00.003+08:00

My laptop just died on me on saturday. i was devastated, because i'd invested so much time and effort into things that were on my laptop (reports, work, videos, games etc) that when it died on me, I just panicked, kinda like when you break up with your boyfriend, or when someone close to you dies.

That shitty feeling where you didn't do what you could have done to salvage the relationship and made sure it had a good foundation (where you didn't salvage your files and back it up); another shitty feeling where you might have been able to drag the relationship further, longer (where you could have extended the life of your laptop if you hadn't downloaded this game and directly caused it to die the moment you installed it); and of course, that very very shitty feeling where you know that you've lost something special (duh, it houses all your anniversary/outing photos, games, hard work, personal documents, chat logs, blog skin htmls from yesteryear...etc etc.)

Sigh, like i've said before, human dependency on technology is stupendously mind-blowing.
At first I was so lost, like omg omgomgomg it's sunday, what am i going to do when i get home? No games to play, oh my god my cooking dash MY COOKING DASH FUCK I HAD SUCH A GREAT SCORE FUCK FUCK oh well maybe i could catch some tv.

Then I decided that it's been a long time since i've spent time with family. and so i did. :)
Yay for family. And i had a great weekend, spent with boyfriend and family simultaneously, and my family was happy cos he bought us a hefty dinner on sat cos it was my dad/sister's birthday. :) 9 people, a happy birthday(s).

i was panicking, yeah, laptop. the whole flight or fight thing, where i wanted to crawl into a ball in a corner of my room and suck my thumb til martin solved the problem.

which, unfortunately, was unsolvable.

So, moral of story, don't download games that look really nice.
EG. PERFECT WORLD INTERNATIONAL.
which i assumed would give me hours of fun, but instead would prolly cost me a bloody sum of 160 odd. Bah.

I miss my cosy laptop.

IPP!

2008-10-08T20:15:00.003+08:00

I realised i've not blogged about IPP at all as of yet.
I'm at ____ ________ _____________, in the Electronics group.
I'm in the marketing department. (which i think is just one person? haha i don't really know actually.)
We publish ___________, which is super technical, but I think it's a damn good magazine for people who are really in the specific industry that we target.
My supervisor is nice, he teaches me alot and tells me stuff that goes behind the process of what I do, what he does, and the production/marketing process. Hehe.
I'm doing a lot of survey analysis at the moment, plus random things like calling up hotels or tidying things up once in a while. The hotel thing was cool cos I'd to call to check up on booking a ballroom. So i know how that works now, and it's good if i do get to do wedding planning in future.
I am actually really happy working here. The people around me are fun, my department is warm and friendly, and I've got several friends here in Changi Business Park, so lunch is always very fun and hilarious.
Sure, I do miss TEP. I miss the people around me, and the experiences good and bad. Kinda reluctant to leave school behind, but... like Jac says, it's the next phase of our lives. So. Yeah.
I have coffee breaks with Leonard everyday, when we're weary of the computer. It's good having another IPP slave in the same company I guess. Haha. At least there's someone you can get coffee/Teh Tarik with. haha.

And there's free flow of cup noodles! Myojo somemore. WOO!

the only thing I resent,
is the STUPID morning rush hour human traffic.
STUPID.
STUPID.
STUPID.
but that'll be a potential post for maybe another day.
hoho.
goodnight.

Is that all right,

2008-09-28T23:59:00.004+08:00

It's a few minutes to the 3rd week of IPP,
wow, time really flies.
I miss the boyfriend, who's away in Boon Lay,
on virtually the other side of the damn island,
while I'm here weeping, feeling miserable,
actually looking forward to leaving and going to work every morning.
Looking forward to leaving and just.. leaving it all behind me,
and putting my efforts into work.

And I'm down with the flu, with a fever.
I think my body can't adapt to this, now,
work work work suddenly rest.
work work work suddenly rest. Hope I'll be better tomorrow.

She turned to him, shook his hands off her arm, glared right into his eyes.
His beautiful, beautiful eyes... full of hurt and pain and love and passion and so much more.
But she just felt waves of fear and sorrow come upon her shoulders, her heart pulsating in a morose beat she'd never felt before.
"Why can't you just let it go?" He reached out his hand to her, again.
She didn't seem to see it; she just collapsed on the floor, her palms splayed over her sobbing face. The rain washed them both, erasing traces of their tears, draining it away into nothingness.
After an eternity of tears and throbs, she drew a long, tired breath. He was still there, his hand outstretched, his eyes heavy.

"Do you know..."
she said, pushing herself off the grimy floor.

He stood, watching her. She did not take his hand.

"Do you know,"
she continued, standing up straight,
"what it feels like when your own mother doesn't want you anymore?"

How I wish,

2008-09-19T10:48:00.001+08:00

that I could live in New York,
studying in NY Film Academy,
or working in some skyscraper, for a big ass women's magazine.

I WISH.

Goodbye, School

2008-09-14T22:26:00.004+08:00

And let's officially welcome the brand new start to IPP,
to a world that's sorely lacking of ponies, pink rainbows, glitter, smiling children, and a non-gay Barney (that people are not trying desperately to kill).

Goodbye my dear childhood,
your presence has served me well,
making me happy when things were downright miserable,
my childhood, my stupid LalaLand was my safe haven, my little escape when I didn't want to believe that evil existed in the world.
After all, we are all brought up, with fairytales, storybooks, kiddy TV shows, that all showcase the good side of the world. However we soon learn, as we mature, that life is never as simple as prancing around a field with a straw hat, a straw basket, collecting strawberries for our wolf and pig friends. Rather, the wolf and pigs collaborate, in a vicious attempt to steal your soul and sell it for five strawberries to feed their hunger, which is ever prevalent in this world.

Goodbye my dear school years,
now I, and many of my friends, will step into the next phase of our life,
starting out at the bottom rung of the worm-infested corporate ladder.
Maybe it's not all that bad,
maybe it's, after all, just the media being the media, highlighting ugly over good.
I will, nonetheless, miss the comfort and safety that you have given me, over the past twelve years. School was my security blanket, and my ticket to the good life for the future.
And I hope that two fridays ago wasn't the last day I stepped into/walked out of a school environment. I hope that university follows my poly graduation, honestly, and I hope life proves to be a happy route for me.

Goodbye my dear friends,
I will miss you all dearly.
Ones I became close to through TEP, ones I was close to all along,
and ones I was never close to,
I will miss you all the same.
Because you were all part of a great experience in my life,
that, quite unbelievably, I am quite reluctant to leave behind.
Perhaps for fear of what is to come,
perhaps for fear of the unknown.
But the fact remains that I will never forget what I've learnt behind those gray walls,
and I will never forget the people,
the happy times, the bad times, the sad times.
Goodbye, Laura, Jacintha, Shafinah, Priscilla, Iqah, Charlene,
and all my other friends.
I had fun, joy, laughter, stress (much of it -_-)..
And I will sorely miss TEP.
Coming to school late almost everyday,
sitting beneath a freezing aircon unit,
going for breakfast,
choking on food when I laugh,
starting work, looking forward to lunch,
having lunch at Koufu/Nihonmura/South,
and continuing work in the afternoon,
with tea treats like dewberries and chocolate from college bookstore.
And then, signing out equipment, looking for my go home buddies,
walking out to the bus stop,
laura gc-ing and running to the bus stop while i buy my nuggets,
and she's still there when I reach the bus stop, cursing and swearing.
and then my bus comes (still before hers HAHA)
and the short journey home, where I deflate,
only to tense up again when I have to squeeze out of the packed bus..
A night of work,
and sleep at 2/3/4am/no sleep,
and the cycle continues.
Goodbye, dear cycle.
Humans are never truly responsive to change, never truly accepting of it.

But I hope we all get through this huge change,
with serenity and success.
Good luck to all of you,
and have fun.

(♥)

2008-09-09T18:55:00.004+08:00

Hello, I'm too busy to change the links etc right now,

just added the tagbox.

I am touched beyond words now,

I am so glad that I have developed friendships with amazing friends over the past few years,

one that I chanced upon in poly,

and the other, since my first day in primary school.

I never knew people like them existed,

and I think it's safe to say they're (really) good people.

Among the other shit that's been thrown at me in life,

I am really grateful for my two best friends whom I'm closest to right now,

and what they're willing to do for me.

Maybe being so touched and choked up and even writing this may seem exaggerated,

but if you're in the quicksand that I'm in,

then perhaps you'd understand.

Being in the same crisis over and over again,

feeling older beyond your years,

worrying about stupid things that other 19-year-olds never have to worry about..

Little things like what they've just said they'd do for me,

makes me emotional, because it's so much help,

like opening a window to bring sunshine into a condemned, sealed up, dark room.

Just when I was wondering if God truly existed, yesterday, because things always don't seem to go my way in life..

This happens, and yes, God, I feel ya.

Working in mysterious ways, haha. As they always say.

Because it's friends like these that'll get you through the hurdles in life,

emotional hurdles, physical, financial, mental hurdles...

And I am very grateful to have friends like you.

Very, very grateful.

And so,

2008-08-26T22:25:00.001+08:00

Frosty?
HAH.

Property, oh property.
Thy claim is boundless, and yet people always seem to sink their yellow mossy teeth in it.

*deadpan smirk*

:(

2008-08-18T22:30:00.004+08:00

I FEEL SO CHEATED.
BLAH
AFTER PLAYING THROUGH AN ENTIRE MYSTERY CASE FILES, WHICH PROMISED ME THAT IT'D TELL ME A PREDICTION OF MY FORTUNE/FUTURE/WHATEVER (WHICH I AM ALWAYS, SADLY, A SUCKER FOR), ALL I GET IS A DEAFENING, HEART-STOPPING SCREAM, A CREEPY GHOST FROM A PREQUEL IN THE SERIES, AND A "TO BE CONTINUED??!?!"
FUNNY HUH.
DAMMIT, I FEEL CHEATED.

I WONDER IF I PLAYED THE GAME RIGHT.

but for now i'll have nightmares. =/

UBER COOL.

2008-08-12T21:47:00.004+08:00

I SAW THIS BIRD YESTERDAY, AT THAT BLANK FIELD IN FERNVALE, WHILE I WAS IN THE BUS. OMG.

Black crowned crane.

I wanted to alight the bus and take a photo, but I was rushing home, dammit. I'll go tomorrow evening. GAH!!!! I regret not alighting. Hope it comes back, or that it never flew away! First time I saw this pretty thang. Maybe it's not as rare here, but I think it's damn beautiful.

DON'T FLY AWAY JUST YETTT!!!

Random Overdue Photos

2008-08-12T19:05:00.004+08:00

His first bookout, uber tanned NS person I was hugging. We were at HG Mall. :D

I can't remember where we went, but it was a day or two after I cut my hair.

And this was last Sunday, at our old hangout. LOOK AT HOW MUCH WEIGHT HE'S ALREADY LOST. OMGGGGGG. so skinny :( not used to it.

maybe I should go NS too. HMM.

CHECK OUT MY BIMBO NAILS!! :D

* transcript: I (heart) Martin Leow Cai Neng.

Class Reunion BBQ in March this year - with my besties. Miss you guys loads. Next picture is the whole class, minus a few absentees I think. My bf took the picture. So weird, he was the only bf at the party. I felt damn bad for asking him to meet me that day! -_-" LOL.

FOX loves!

And each time I see you in this, I feel so proud:)

Just a random thought,

2008-08-11T11:10:00.004+08:00

I'm connected to my earphones, which are connected to my phone, which is connected to the outlet.
I'm connected to my mouse, which is connected to the CPU, which powers the monitor, which are both connected to the outlet.
I'm cooled, given oxygen by the airconditioning, given vision by the lights above me, which are both connected to the outlet.

Funny how we are able humans, young and alive, and yet we have this innate vulnerability and dependence on electricity, on machines, on commercial technology. Just like select humans who turn brain dead and are kept alive only through breathing and feeding tubes, we are another select group, kept alive only through these electrical tubes that are indirectly a part of us.

And once those plugs are pulled out, we lose all chance of survival, materialistically, financially, emotionally. Just not physically, but I think it's just a matter of time before we are THAT reliant on technology.

And I'm not afraid to say it,

2008-08-09T23:02:00.003+08:00

For the first time in my life,
I truly hate someone, for goddamned luck.
And no, it's not you, who I left that note for. Hope it made you smile (or wince.)

:(

2008-08-04T15:21:00.001+08:00

My future seems bleak.
I really hope I get into movie distribution, i hope i get shaw. I don't mind working on Saturdays. I want to get an internship where I'll really be involved in what I do.
It'll be challenging but I'm always up for a challenge!
(:
Gotta learn Avid, Dreamweaver, Flash, etc, if i'm posted there, but I'm looking forward to learning the ropes, experiencing something different.
I can only hope, right now.

Roses.

2008-07-30T11:55:00.003+08:00

I hate having fevers. Though I'm glad for the rest, to just lie home in my bed and just do nothing, for the first time in months. And I'm not complaining cos I got the fever from him, lol. Since the start of TEP, and since he went for NS, I've not had time to sit down and just stone like before. Weekdays in TEP, weekends for the boyfriend, both saturday and sunday. Or out with the girls, on rare occasions. So until two weekends ago, I've hadn't had a day off since... May, i think. So I'm glad that I've got my mc for these two days, my first doctor's visit and first mc since... Sec 4? It's been a long time.

It surprises me though, how when you stop and take a day off to rest and smell the roses, you realised you've missed out so much.

:<

2008-07-23T20:58:00.000+08:00

2 more days til I see him again,
and I fucking miss you. :(

Hortonnnnnn,

2008-07-04T01:57:00.003+08:00

I infected everyone with _____ Spa.

Anyway,
was browsing through msn, and I saw this quote:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

And I felt so fucking happy.
Cos I didn't give up, and now I am fucking happy. :)))))))

Truly,

2008-06-26T21:57:00.001+08:00

I'm so happy that I have you.

I can't stand it,

2008-06-23T21:07:00.002+08:00

being away from you for so long.

I'm not used to it, though partially I already am.

I'm afraid cos things aren't as they used to be with going out and meeting up and phone calls and all, and you're so tired, and it's heartbreak hearing you like that. And I wish I could make it all better...

And IPP choices are killing me, I don't know what to put. Conflicting choices, my mind doesn't know which side of my brain to listen to.

Hoping that things will be okay.

Cos I don't think I am, at the moment.

Cos all I want, is your hug right now.

Kisses,

2008-06-12T00:09:00.003+08:00

The red light of the sun,
slowly descending.
The sky is all I see,
it's never ending.

We could fly,
you and I.
On a cloud,
kissing, kissing.

The wind plays with the leaves,
the weather turns colder.
But as long as we believe,
love doesn't get older.

We could fly,
you and I.
On a cloud,
kissing, kissing.

On a journey of the heart,
there's so much to see.

And when the sky is dark,
you'll be right here,
right here with me.
Right here with me.
Kissing.
(Kissing, kissing)
(A journey of the heart)

Beautiful song from Sex & The City OST - i wish they'd bring the series here. :( I like the movie, I ~~like~~ love the clothes and heels and bags, I like its happy ending, I like its lovey dovey moments, and of course, I like those steamy scenes heh heh heh.

And I miss your kiss.

Jac was so right - this is sooo my song. HAHA.

:(

2008-06-10T22:23:00.003+08:00

NS recruit dies after fainting during training activity
Posted: 10 June 2008 1757 hrs

SINGAPORE: A 20-year-old national serviceman died in hospital, nearly two hours after he fainted during training on Pulau Tekong on Tuesday morning. Recruit Andrew Cheah Wei Siong from the Basic Military Training Centre fainted at 8.35am while he was taking part in a 2km walk training activity on the island. He was rushed to the medical centre and arrived within five minutes. He was given immediate medical attention by the doctors. At 9.24am, Mr Cheah was evacuated by helicopter to the Singapore General Hospital (SGH). The medical team from the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) continued to resuscitate him en route. But, they failed to revive him and he was pronounced dead at 10.50am at SGH. MINDEF and the SAF extend their deepest condolences to his family. MINDEF says it will help the family in their time of grief and is investigating the incident. Mr Cheah is the second national serviceman to die suddenly this year. In January, 41-year-old Major Tan Yit Guan collapsed and died after a run with colleagues. Before those two cases, 25-year-old Captain Ho Si Qiu died after completing the 21km Singapore Bay Run in August last year. Heart specialist Michael Lim says there are two leading causes of sudden death in young adults. The first is an inherited condition that leads to thickening of the heart muscle which affects the heart's ability to pump blood. The second is myocarditis, an inflammation of the heart muscle caused by an infection. Dr Lim says these conditions can be detected easily with an electrocardiogram or ECG. MINDEF says ECGs are carried out on all servicemen during the medical screening before they are enlisted. Although Andrew Cheah was slightly obese and had had asthma as a child, MINDEF says he passed the medical screening and was given a clean bill of health. - CNA/ir

His bunk mate, omg. :(
I just hope they all will be okay..

Lucky 14,

2008-06-06T18:57:00.002+08:00

I was afraid,
and I just realised I'm afraid of marriage and responsibility
- laura and jacintha spat food out and laughed their knockers off at this :( -
Not to the point where I will shun it, cos I most definitely will not, but likewise for everything else, this thing needs a whole lot of mental preparation.
His going NS yesterday made me think (too much) and I realised the most strong emotion I felt wasn't sadness, nostalgia, or pride (all of which I feel too).. but the most strong emotion is fear.

Why, you ask?

Because I'm afraid of change, as much as I want to embrace it.
Yesterday marked the end of his teenhood. And I say it partially ended mine as well, because my life will be so different from now on..

We can't be carefree like we were before, not as much as before.. From this point onwards we have to be bothered with limitations from NS, work, and from there on forth, if or when we end up together (:)), family ~~convictions~~ commitments. Will we ever be as carefree as before, when we could go out anytime we wanted, meet up whenever we wanted?

My fear springs from this, and the thought of facing all the other factors that will come into play that we'll have to be responsible for. I'm afraid.

Talking to shafinah today, I found out how to not think about how sad I am, missing him, and instead concentrate on the good memories that we have =) like those long walks, long talks, lazy movie days, sit-down outings... Speaking of which I already miss all those...

But i didn't realise how to conquer my aforementioned fear. Not til just now..

I'll just have to put my trust and faith in this other person that i love..
Trust that he'll do his best to make this work out beautifully despite the setbacks and fears..
and faith that our love will withstand it all. :)

PS. Pfft, explains why I'm in such a foul mood today.

14 more days.

CATCH! PRINT TEAM C1!

2008-06-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

I will miss you guys lots :(

:'(

2008-06-04T17:42:00.001+08:00

You'll be out of the country tomorrow,
and I don't know if i'm mentally prepared :<

My one love,

2008-06-01T00:30:00.003+08:00

3 days til you go to NS,
and I'm excited but worried and nervous and scared,
and I'm sorry but happy that we both teared today cos we were sad that we have to be apart for so long. and I'm hoping these two years are a breeze, pass us by quickly, so that we can get married and have a truckload of kids, go to all those places we wanted to go every chance we get, have our first patches of white hair, see grandkids, laugh at past immaturities, and be fucking in love with each other til the day we die.

there, i said it,
words from the bottom of my heart.
I don't care if anyone says this is mushy or lovey-dovey or if i scare you away,
because I LOVE YOU,
and i'll miss you so much that my heart will ache..
i miss you already.

I had a great day today, with you at t2 & t3, laughing and crying and smiling and hugging. My first time at the airport in almost 16 years, and you've made it wonderful. :)

will post photos next chance i get, got a million photos to jack into my friend, Mr. Cyberspace. :D

Random things you should know,

2008-05-29T08:41:00.001+08:00

Yes, I use Hahas and Hees and Hehes and Lols and smileys as sms punctuation.

Kidnapped by a lovemachine,

2008-05-19T21:08:00.002+08:00

Hello earth,

I have been playing Dream Chronicles 2 for the last 6 hours. Click click click until right index finger going to collapse into ashes. :)

Before I go back into game review madness/makeup tips delirium/popcorn hurling/duffy swearing, I came to say, I'M SO TIRED.

Spent the weekend with my goldfish, mostly him over at my place. The long walk on Saturday evening, excellent weather, good feelings all round. Sunday's What Happens in Vegas was excellent, I want to get the DVD like NOW so I can rewatch it. :D

My Korean drama ended last thursday.. Weekdays are now empty. :(
"Each wrinkle tells a story... A story that only both lovers know."

whistles

2008-05-16T15:01:00.003+08:00

yay!
now i know!
so happy! :)

a long ago pic of jacjac lesles lovelove and me. wahahahaha.

You got me begging you for mercy, ;)

2008-05-16T09:29:00.002+08:00

OMG,
I'M SO ADDICTED TO THIS SONG!

I love you
But I gotta stay true
My moral's got me on my knees
I'm begging please
Stop playing games

I don't know what this is
But you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don't know what you do
But you do it well
I'm under your spell

You got me begging you for mercy
Why won't you release me?
You got me begging you for mercy
Why won't you release me?
I said release me

MER-ERRRR-CY!
WOO!

Counting down the best days,

2008-05-15T12:59:00.006+08:00

2 days to Nigel's 8th,
8 days til Laura's 19th,
15 days til the end of our print stopover,
21 days til he's off to the military,
and 32 days til my 19th.

Some :( and some :) .. But of course I'm looking forward to all of them as it means a damn good progress in life! And honestly speaking I'm really happy with my life as it is right now. Yay!

Fighting with my brother on Tuesday evening really opened my eyes - I don't want history to repeat itself, and I'll make sure all four of us survive very well through the shit life throws at us. I want my father and mother to have peaceful lives in a house that's more definitely a home, and I want my grandparents to have a healthy and happy retirement. I want all my siblings to have amazing educations and careers and families, and nephews and nieces who'll make my heart melt.

And thanks to people who've cheered me up and pushed me on when stress ate me up. Jacintha my poetic lesbian partner especially, lotsa loves. :)

And of course, I want my love with you, my sweet, to flourish and shimmer and persevere. It's a rainbow, yes it is. :) Can't wait to pinch you on saturday, muahaha.

And for people who live their life through lists,
go to http://www.listography.com for online list-making bliss. :)

♥

Hunters know where their deer lurk,

2008-05-13T23:05:00.003+08:00

Yes, I am manipulative to some point, but you don't know me. So the world loves bitches, so he stuck with me for that? There actually is a book called Men Love Bitches. And I read it. And it's really very true. What's wrong with being a bitch? Better than being a slut.

You're the first person I've heard of who've given up completely on redeeming yourself, in terms of karma or whatever is the Christian reflection of karma.
If you yourself can safely say that you're just waiting and watching just to laugh at others,
then you're right, you're evil.

If there's anything I learnt in my 18 years, it's that one should never watch and wait for the demise or pain of another. I'm not an angel myself, but I want nothing to do with you.

I just want you to tell me this - have you ever met me before, in school or otherwise? I'm sure you'd recognize me, somehow, but I won't know who or how you look like.

That's all I need to know, and that's all there is. Don't know if you'll even say if you have, you might have not even seen me.

YO!
CATCH ISSUE 19, IN PROGRESS! :)

Better than an amusement park,

2008-05-12T09:47:00.006+08:00

What does it matter to you, even if we work out or fail?
If we fail, are you going to meet me somewhere and laugh in my face?

Let me ask you this - why do you even bother?

I told myself I wouldn't copy and paste like you did, but I have to-
You never loved, in the entire God-forsaken. You’ve clearly not know what love is. No one, in the name of God, betrays love. No one, in the eyes of Him, turns love into hatred regardless of anything.
Oh, I forgot. Scorpions, the deathliest.
And you forgot, the most saint.
And I forgot.. What’s your name again?

This was a long time ago, but who the hell are you to judge someone else, when you yourself show no remorse for what you did? Who are you to say he did not love, knows no love, and condemn him, or me?

You also forget that scorpions are candid creatures that sit at both extreme ends. While they are the deadliest, while they sting the most.. they are also the most passionate of the lot, the most devoted and the most lovely to hold hands with.

Yes, I am protecting him.
BITCH, i love my scorpion and i'll die by his sting anyday.

And,
Baby, will you still want to come back?
You really got alot of cheek hor.

Hi girl
You better hope it’s not kami-sama, yours truly, you’re talking about.
I’ll kill.
And DUH i was talking about you. Yay! :)

You copied and pasted my profile,
and laughed at it. Very funny meh?
I know you secretly want to be a bitchy convent girl too right?
*snickers*
So this is the least I can do.

The best thing is that you show no remorse, like a murderer at his death pen, laughing.. right til the moment the rope slices his throat into two. Remorse for what, you say?

For stealing, cursing and spitting when you return the goods you thieved. You knew it belonged to someone else, but you went ahead. Not a word of sorry, I spoilt it for you at that point of time, hope you guys are okay already.

But no, selfish people don't say sorry. They just go around calling themselves weird Japanese names which I don't understand, and say it was a fling, and threaten to kill. And say they may or may not regret it one day. I don't care if you regret it. I just want you to leave me alone, forget about all this crap, and stop calling yourself weird names. And as a bonus, if you finally realise karma might catch up to you, say sorry.

But I guess, knowing my geminian self, since I said you didn't say sorry, you die also won't say sorry. Not that I care, but its the least you should realise in your life. That you did something bad. I shouldn't have been nice and said, we're both victims. I should have said, YOU'RE A FUCKING WHORE.

maybe one day, i'll regret saying that.
but you deserve it.

Ah, shut up. :D

2008-05-11T12:24:00.005+08:00

WOO! I WANT TO BUY A TOPMAN FEDORA TOOOOO! or I'll just kope Leonard's, like everyone else has done. Ha!

Contrary to popular belief, the species Homosapien de la Cherylene, also known as Cherylene, does not have a boring life. This species blogs, while playing games such as Doggie Dash, or Mahjong, or Turbo Subs, or Dai Di, or Uno in her very spare time. In other hours of the day, of which 5 to 6 are spent sleeping, she is at school working (most recently discovered to be honing her print and magazine skills) or at home resting with her family or out with her boyfriend (you ass), laughing to lame and ever precious jokes and anecdotes. Friends and social relationships, especially those with which she places in close proximity to her heart, are something she works hard on. Again, contrary to minimal belief, she isn't vulnerable to a loss of a relationship, in fact, she doesn't think the friendship is lost actually (in fact it's pretty okay, no damage there. did i even say its your fault?), its just that she is amused that someone actually bothered to reply about this lame shit. :) i am replying too, cos you replied. so i must reply right? check!

And just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, life is in the hands of a person.

I know what I have, I know how to keep it. Perhaps I lost it once, but now i know, and we'll do what it takes to make it work, cos we want it to work.

AND WHO THE FUCK CARES IF YOU'RE A GEMINI AS WELL? it's an insult to the geminian community, biatch. and wtf does 'I promised. I still have that honour I have to keep. From her parents.' mean? like my parents don't know like that. siao. :)

I know i said i'm trying to forgive you, but you're making things difficult by rebutting my swearing at you. Or perhaps I'm making things difficult for you by swearing at you. Wow, vicious cycle!

Ah, I'm wasting my life away here.

Here's the cover I designed on Friday, the deadline =x without highlight captions though, haha. the logo is damn ugly lah, wish we could change it entirely but we have to use the school's one.. ugh.

Coolness, I kinda like our magazine, actually. haha. can't wait for next edition, wish the entire tep was print lah. Not looking forward to studio production, hello block M! i miss the studio, actually. nuahing in the gallery. heehee.

Got lost in the night,

2008-04-29T22:46:00.004+08:00

i do like print, i really do. i like waking up each morning to... a room with people playing games, watching youtube, painting, making fun of each other, eating in secret, and food-sharing. And, of course, we do work.

The very elusive, work. =D

We camwhored on the second day of print, probably our most productive day, where we decided everything, from articles to layout to theme to pictures. And our room was a big mess as we brought anything and everything that we could find that was colourful.

*

For the first time in a long time, months, perhaps? I went back to read her blog. yes, her blog. yes, your blog.
I'm not afraid to say I haven't read it; after all it was this amazing thing called the internet that led me to your blog, through indirect and accidental means, nonetheless.
Putting it in the past has been a quick but tedious process, and it's well in the past now, i can safely and happily say.
But I do wonder what it'd be like if i met you in school, and if i have already, unbeknownst to me, met you already. Or that day, oh so suspicious.
And i think i lost a friend cos of this, cos of you and your drama shit.

If we saw each other in school, and if we recognized each other, and if we both stopped to greet each other,
would i smack you on the head?
would i smile and walk away?
would i be a snob and roll my eyes at you (and walk away?)
would i sit and talk to you? (highly unlikely.)
would i stare at you, soak in your features, and then.. raise my eyebrows?
would i kick you hard in the knees?
or would i go, "ooo"?

I don't know.

You probably wouldn't say hi to me, even though I told you to.
HA. :)

*

2 years was on the 15th! and i have zero photos to show for it! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
hahahaha. cos we were both zonked out already, somemore eat until so damn full huh, want to fall asleep right there on the river. hehe.
but i love you, martin.
and i have so much fun with you, i can die!
each second is pure bliss. :)

*

okay, replies. (:

amanda, sry! didn't blog. teehee. yup, print is looking good. but not much emphasis on layout and photography, sadly. more on the article content and writing.
matthew, so not looking forward to standing in hot sun for production!
cindy, i like tep alot! (print! so far lah. hehe.)
muzhen, hey! thanks. hope topshop's good! (: i'll drop by soon!
alicia, haven't seen you in ages. hope you're fine dear.
janice, hey! you take care too! must bully martin more ok! ^^
sara, yup, the first week was better as the week progressed.. campus cooking yo!
iffah, haha yeah! ok the name i gave is cheesy, but special. wahah. nanakoi?? weird. haha.

Who's that stranger to you?

2008-04-20T20:24:00.004+08:00

That stranger in your house, in your car, in your room, or sitting right next to you while you try to bore holes through your teacher's head.

The person you always knew, and saw, and (barely) spoke to, but when you sit down and try to think, know nothing about.

Did you ever try to talk? Perhaps he/she didn't like talking, or sympathy, or empathy.
That person in your house, who sits across and spoons potatoes for you, or you for him/her. Did you try to smile at this person? Say hello, how was your day?

Did you feel bad when these people made you feel like they didn't want you near, despite your efforts?

So who's that stranger to you?

So who are you, to that stranger?

Probably still, no one they bother with, just someone floating, caressing the wind.

*

i was at club crawl that day, loveloved fb's performance.
i wish i could dance half as well. maybe i should start practising in the loo. hurhur.
was looking around, looking at the crowd, saw alot of people i knew, and i realised i know quite alot of people in nyp, contrary to my own belief. =/ saw people i thought i knew as well, bugged me quite alot.

First week out of 21 weeks of TEP is over,
and i actually kinda enjoyed it,
and i thought our 1st episode of Campus Cooking turned out quite well leh! (:
And i want to download premiere, but my laptop doesn't have anymore space for it :(

i like editing, as cruel and torturesome a process it may seem. x)
HEE.

Print is coming up tomorrow, after AVID training i guess.
Am really looking forward to it. YAY!

...

2008-04-17T21:45:00.003+08:00

Something is seriously wrong with me.
on tuesday, i forgot the drawing block.
on wednesday, i forgot the extension wire.
on thursday, today, i forgot the strawberries - for a strawberry drink.
Oh my god, I think I might be losing my brain, and I need memory pills.
Luckily I managed to get the strawberries back. I'm so pissed at myself, I... don't know what to say already.

And the mother has been scolding me non-stop, our relationship hasn't been good at all recently, and last night she said the most cutting words a mother could ever say to her daughter, and i feel as though i've pretty much lost everything i could lose in life.

TEP's started, and the first 3 days were very difficult gathering that I don't know how to wake up on time, but I've surprised myself that I've not been late at all. Yay. And its also difficult because I don't quite like the idea of a 9-5 job. Or in our case, an 8-6 job, so to speak.

But they always say the first 3 days of any change or turning point is the most difficult (when it's a big change or turning point, of course, like quitting a habit or smoking or something), and the 4th day has proven to be much smoother. And we've got our print groups and briefing, and I'm pretty excited about this print stopover cos I can't say that I'm much of a production person. Heh.

Toodles.

I was dropped into Phototropolis!

2008-04-04T22:27:00.012+08:00

Hello life, I'm back to blog! (:

Had a busy week last week-

Was out out and out. I think today's the first day i'm home rotting. hee.

- Threading with Joan, and Cartel-ing

- I know it's random, but here's my daddy! hehe. my mother doesn't want to take photos when she's in crumpled clothes. x)

- I don't know what this toy is called, but I gave it a special name =D

- My star basketball player =D

- XinWang HK Cafe, where I love the french toast. After Xinwang, we went to get my spanking new electric blue streaked baby! hehehe. my dear Nokia 5610 Blue. Muahahhaa.

- PepperLunch-ing. heh.

- Watching a basketball match in my neighbourhood. *misses p.e.'s netball*

And I dyed my hair again, hopefully it can be seen in the pictures from the BBQ up next, when I get the damn photos. HEE.

nehneh.

2008-03-28T19:03:00.003+08:00

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as English/Journalism/Comm

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in Communication, English, Film, Journalism, Literature, or Writing.

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

English/Journalism/Comm

94%

Visual&PerformingArts

81%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

81%

Education/Counseling

75%

Psychology/Sociology

69%

HR/BusinessManagement

69%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

69%

Religion/Theology

50%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

50%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

50%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

44%

Mathematics/Statistics

25%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

25%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

Oo, I'm in the right course then?
:D Wedding planning yoz.

Busy week, working and going out. Can't remember when was the last day I stayed home for the whole day and rotted. LOL.
(:

Will post up pictures from tmr's bbq, and other pics from last week in the next post! HEE.

and i am sad, cos each time i have pepper lunch, i have a sore throat. boo. x(

I can't put it out, though I've been trying,

2008-03-21T21:08:00.004+08:00

Carol's 19th Birthday Celebration!

just a fraction of the mountain of food (mostly raw fish and salmon) we consumed. the traumatised look on the waiter's face was so.. amusing. (:

and below, my beloved jewel, carol, and grace, and siok hoon. <3

I will a) dye my hair soon, and b) straighten my hair for half an hour before i leave the house from now on.

4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY 4H BBQ NEXT SATURDAY

5 o' clock and a fire escape symphony, Spilling out across the road and the square, And the sky's the same as your own, do you think of me?

Do the parks, and trees, and the leaves, reach you, there? After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me, calling out, Again and again.

Sophia, Sophia, I'm burning, I'm burning. It's a fire, it's a fire, I cannot put out, Sophia, Sophia, I'm learning that some things, I can't go without and one of of them is him

Cherylene needs a job!

2008-03-16T14:53:00.003+08:00

Bleah, why do offices close on Saturday and Sunday.
If they didn't close, someone could have replied my emails by now! :(

Weddings Matter isn't hiring.
And the lady from Heaven's Gift is on leave, hoho.
Hope the other wedding planning companies get back to me soon!
I need a job, and hopefully its in one of them! :)

I walked out of the other admin job, haha. Because a) i didn't like the environment, and b) i was stuck outside the office for more than an office, subsequently after which I walked out and went home and bought an icy mocha soya from Mr Bean on the way back.

Ha, ha.

*

Sometimes people judge, very unfairly.
Don't you think so?
And they make weird conclusions and post it everywhere, all on their own! And then they start to play the blame game. Maybe I did, too, with what I'm saying now.
It's fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that I think there should be a science to all this hate.
If it was meant for me, it'll happen. And I have a right to have words come out of my mouth, even if they don't sound good to everyone or anyone. Especially when these words are deserving to a certain shady character.

*

Went to his friend Perline's 21st birthday bbq last night, had muchos fun. i discovered a love for gnawing on corn cobs! hahahhaa.

And why is it when ur sitting at the beach and staring out at the opposing island, there's always that huge tower with flames? is it an incinerator? =/ lol.. And as much as I love the beach, its always scary at night, when the water becomes a murky, oily black.

And I kept imagining that a cloverfield monster would suddenly emerge and stomp me flat. HAHA.

Where art thou, my sunflower. ><

2008-03-14T18:13:00.001+08:00

I spent the afternoon e-mailing wedding planning companies in Singapore, and I hope someone replies.

(:

Me no like this holiday.

2008-03-12T13:48:00.008+08:00

Call me lazy but I really don't feel like working this holidays.

I'm still exhausted from the past semester. And like Jac says, we should all be conserving our energies for the horrors of TEP. =/

But I'm bloody hell forcing myself to work, despite an evident and sore lack of motivation.
And even so I'm only working a few days a week. :(
Can't really find a job that I can throw myself into (and enjoy working) all days of the week.
Anyone got a full-time (as in, five days a week part-time job) job that is senang?
Please tell me.

Oh, the reason for my forced labour is 'cos I need to get a new phone.
Which, as I'm sure all of you know, I've been attempting to get since 12102380283091 years ago after my 6111 got stolen. Heh.

I wonder if N95 is any good! :)

Heehee. I loveeeee Nokia, but all its recent models are ugly eh! or if they're nice, they don't have the specifications i want eh. *whines* :) i don't want samsung or ericsson, just don't like their interface. lol.

Have been down with fever for past couple days.

Thanks for the chicken! :)
And when the bf comes over for dinner there's always alot of food man. *rubs hands in glee*

And time flies, it's almost two years. :)

Random photos :)

he was trying to confuse me with his footprints. -__-" if you notice, the prints go round and round and round. this was a few weeks ago, at a very sunny east coast.

isn't it the hot season now, btw? how come its raining like no tomorrow? =/

"Where's my platter?!"

DAMN. i realise my chin is at a weird angle. =x is it always like this?!

and, looking at this picture (unceremoniously koped from his friendster).. mushy as it sounds, he looks kinda.. husbandly. =x as if he's bbqing chicken wings for his kids.

oh no. :)

Yes Bitch, it's your new name,

2008-03-06T00:44:00.002+08:00

B.i.t.c.h. spells BITCH!

I'm a possessive freak, yes I am, and if I scream when people lay a finger on my stack of A4 paper, much less you.

You talk about how much pain you've been through.

WELL, SUCK IT UP.
life, reality, is as it is.
try throwing 2 years of your life into garbage and see if the pain might be different.
(p.s. answer is yes.)

maybe i speak too soon, maybe i flared, flamed for no reason.

this is my problem, i keep going back, going back, analyzing, over analyzing, having more coffee.
look at the yellow pages and feel like looking at anger management classes, then flip to the wedding planning section, and then feel like smashing the yellow pages into an imaginary venial wall, and then smile, and then go back, go back, and analyze, and...

BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU FUCKING GET FOR STEPPING ON MY FUCKING TERRITORY.
You don't play with feelings, especially mine, and people I care about, and get away with it.

:)

To answer your question,

2008-03-05T19:31:00.003+08:00

How does someone accept betrayal?

With a dash of hope (that things will be okay), a pinch of reminiscence and a longing for things to be back to normal, and a potful of clarity and observation (so that past mistakes will not be repeated, and things might hopefully be better with improvements in behaviour and attitudes).

And there are a lot of other components that's pushed into the wicked witch's brew of accepting betrayal.

It's definitely not easy, but if you add a little heart and love to the mix, things might just smooth along quite amazingly.

Which is what, I suppose, we're all hoping for.
Except for, maybe, an unprecedented few.

[edit]
AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR 4H'S REUNION BBQ ON THE 29!
[/edit]

I ♥ JOHN CENA!

2008-03-04T21:45:00.007+08:00

Watched The Marine with him today, for the second time.

I absolutely LOVVVVEEEEEEE Mr John Cena, his carved abs, guns, and big thighs.

YUMYUMDOUBLEYUM.

*squeams with delight*

And HONESTLY! Shane McMahon (extreme left of picture) has aged. Look at his white hair. I actually thought it was his father in the picture, when I clicked on the small thumbnail. Guess he took over the business from his dad, anyway. He's wearing those dark grey pinstripe suits that his father used to wear, almost in a signature way. I haven't watched the shows for years and everything's changed so much. Heh. Guess I couldn't expect it to remain the same anyway. =)

And yes, that is Lindsay Lohan.

Show off that body you got

You got the dance floor so hot

You working it, you twerking it

You checking it, like a clock

ps. i changed my skin! dino attack! :D

heh. did i mention that i always wanted to be a paleontologist? (is that how you spell it?) which is a biologist/zoologist/scientist specializing in dinosaurs! cool right! thats why i love watching documentaries, esp if they're about dinosaurs and prehistoric times and animals.

but the thought of having to go to jc, and then uni to memorize all those dino names in latin scares me. hehe.

oh, and plus i doubt we have any dino bones to dig up in singapore anyway, nor excavation sites (bukit timah hill, or the zoo?)

pps. i also wanted to be a marine biologist, but then i'm afraid of deep water/water. =x

Dark corners,

2008-03-04T11:13:00.003+08:00

It just sickens me that just when I thought it was safe to trust again, to feel safe again, i learn things that were hidden, stored away for the safety and security of the relationship.

Why am i always kept in the dark? If people told me things upright, and if I didn't have to find things out from a third party, I know for a fact that I wouldn't flare, not at all. I would accept it, because it is reality.

But to find things out so late, just.. crushes me, makes me wonder what else I don't know. Which defeats the primary purpose of not telling me, which was to stop my mind from wandering and wondering.

Just when you think its safe again, after you've been bitten, after you've healed, after you're ready to live normally again, revellations reveal themselves, you get scarred again. It's a vicious cycle, and I hate this facet of reality that is beginning to show itself to me.

And I don't know if I want to continue living with it, as much as it pains me to give so much up.

Life in the first week of March SUCKS.

tell me you're not a liar.
but how do i believe you?

Shards,

2008-03-03T18:25:00.003+08:00

She found herself locked in the storeroom, waking up to see yellow sunshine beaming through the cracks in the boarded-up window. How restrained her life had become, to only see the world through these cracks, through these shards of forcefed reality; how she longed to see the big picture, to see the world, reality through her own eyes. The sunshine that peeped through the cracks were what she revelled in, day after day; through the cracks she also saw storms and hurricanes, and after the sordid horridness of the wet and noise of the calamities and destruction on the outside, she felt a riveting peace within her, a calm in her soul after the storms. She could not see the world in its entirety, but she enjoyed what she could see, although she heavily lusted for more clarity, more colours, more feelings.

Trapped where she was, she could not move and had no one to talk to, but perhaps isolation was best for her sanity, after betrayal and hurt, and pain and anger. Perhaps being alone was best for her and the world.

POLLY WILLIAMS! <3

2008-02-27T20:15:00.003+08:00

No, they were not two people fused into one, she acknowledged. They were two people linked in a neat and arbitrary way, through rings and paper and ceremony and expectations and the presumption of a shared future rather than through messily engorged hearts. But, perhaps this merely meant that theirs was a more mature relationship, planned and measured against their ages and expectations. It was unrealistic to expect the dopamine swell of young love at their age.

- Stevie, in Polly William's 'The Egg Race'

Don't we all want to believe that for every romantic relationship we hurl ourselves into, we are linked to our signficant others through "messily engorged" hearts? Not just through vows and "I-love-you"s, or silly trinkets that mean so much and for which you cry when they are broken or lost.

Perhaps when you are linked in a "neat and arbitrary" manner, the relationship lacks a certain ardor and passion that might be evident or even excessive (unfortunately not to the point of being repulsive) in a relationship where two hearts are messily fused.

I love Polly Williams, one of my all-time favourite authors! =) Love the metaphors in her two books, The Rise and Fall of a Yummy Mummy, and The Egg Race.

How she wished she was alone under this sky, staring up until her focus went funny and it felt as if she were hurtling into space.

Fill me up,

2008-02-25T20:25:00.006+08:00

I've heard it so many times before: Jessica Alba is hot.
Well, she is. :D
And I dreamt of her last night, probably because I've been seeing her name and face everywhere because of the new The Eye movie coming out that she stars in. And she was featured on today's telecast of the Tyra Show, heh.

And wasn't The Eye a Singapore movie?

Eye spy then,
and
Eye spy now.

HEH.
This makes Jessica Alba the first Hollywood star who's been in two local "productions"!

1. Tiger Beer Ad, and
2. The Eye remake! =D

-_-"

On another brighter note,

PLAY FREE GAMES AT iWIN.COM!!
woooo!
like turbo pizza, cradle of rome, chocolatier, wedding dash (there's a teensy loading problem with wedding dash and i can't seem to play it though :( ), jojo's fashion show, dream chronicles, turbo pizza, yada yada...
all your favourite games, unlimited play, absolutely free.
of course, there's the teensy problem, again, that we have to view ads every now and then during game play - but heck! it's free! x)
there's about 40 or so games in the free game play, in game ads category, most of which are top rated games.

YOU GUYS SHOULD PLAY MORE SO THERE'LL BE MORE FREE GAMES FOR ALL HUMANITY!

=D

and no, i'm not getting paid for this.

=(

I have learnt to not care anymore;

2008-02-19T16:09:00.006+08:00

Things I want to do, and places I wanna go in this lifetime, in random order:

1) Skydiving
2) Bungee Jumping
3) Learn to snorkel, and go snorkelling in Australia's Great Barrier Reef (or someplace relatively safe)
* 4) Go on an African safari with Singita
* 5) Go backpacking in the US, shopping in New York, with a coat and a walk through Central Park, and a road trip thereafter to L.A., with detours to Texas and Lousiana, for some jazz
* 6) Waking up from under white sheets, in the arms of loved one, to see the sunrise in a tropical paradise like Hawaii
7) Hiking in rural China, walking down the length of the Great Wall
* 8) Spend Christmas in New York/Korea
9) Skii-ing in Korea, shopping in Seoul
10) Plant a tree in the Caribbean, tie a letter to it marking it as mine, and bring my children back to a huge tree 30 years later
11) Running through the brick streets of Paris/Rome
12) Touching the stone walls of the Colosseum
13) Visiting my friend Mariam, whom I have sadly lost contact with, in Egypt
* 14) Rock a car somewhere in a field, under the stars, along to the tunes from a beat-up radio
* 15) Paint from a balcony
* 16) Learn to play the piano, and master a ballad
* 17) Cruise down Scotland's Loch Ness Lake (did I get that right?) and try to snap a peekture of its resident monster/prehistoric creature.

and so much more,
i don't even know if i'll earn enough money in my entire lifetime to do all these. :)

Note: Activities marked with a * denote things I must do in my life. :D

I haven't done something that I felt personally happy from, like painting, or sculpting, or doing my nails up nicely, in a long time.

Maybe I should do that soon.

I just feel like going on a holiday in somewhere with zero technology (save flush toilets), lose contact from the world for a while, to clear my head, my thoughts, just go out and pull some inspiration. I wish I had the moolah to do so, and maybe I'll do that soon. Or when the parents permit it, when I turn 21.

I wish the world would leave me for a while.

Let's go to the park,
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars

WHY! #1

2008-02-19T15:03:00.004+08:00

Me: How come ah, when you cut a chicken, no blood flow out huh?
Brother: The blood teleport to the newborn chicken mah.

Me: .......

(sister walks in)

Me: Eh, how come when you cut chicken, got no blood flowing one huh?
Brother: Blood teleport to newborn chicken lah!

Sister: Huh? Blood teleport to war kitten?

-______________________-"

See what kind of lame asses I live with.
Seriously.

V'Day '08

2008-02-18T22:16:00.005+08:00

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

He had school on Valentine's itself, so we did the bulk of our celebrations the day before.

Spent quite some time in front of the computers at AMK Cathay deciding where to watch a movie, because we didn't really have much time to spend.

After much "aiya you so fickle" and "can decide anot *piak*", we decided to lunch in AMK before heading to Plaza to watch Sweeney Todd. (We'd wanted to catch 27 Dresses, actually, but the screening on that day was too late.)

So lunch at Nebo, which was kinda stupid because they sprayed cheese all over our meal.

Okay, so we ordered everything that was supposed to have cheese on it, but still.

On to Plaza, where we caught Sweeney Todd, and where I hung on to his sleeve for dear life, and alot of times had his palm on my eyes because, oh, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but the thought of me being grinded up into meat pies is not very pleasant. ^^

Back to AMK, where we shopped for ingredients, and then back to HG, where he cooked dinner for me. I made a mess of mutton curry, nothing like the one my mom cooks, but at least it was edible. :D Sausages, gyeozas, coleslaw, potatoes, chicken, and rice.

Special, beautiful dinner.

Thursday, 14 February 2008

He calls me at 9 fricking AM to wake me up, tells me to go plant my butt at the door and wait. I am sleepy, but I oblige.

It arrives at 1040am, by an amusing delivery boy who looks like he feels miserable delivering flowers to girls (and maybe guys) on Valentine's, poor thing.

12 red rose stalks, a bear, a box of chocolates, and a card.

It's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me, sending me things like this; I'd never received a bouquet of flowers, delivered to me, before.

I gush at the door.

Chocolates were downed in a few minutes because I hadn't had breakfast, my brother gobbles down the last one.

He comes over for dinner, and we have a simple dinner, Indian food, my favourite, in my neighbourhood, and then he spends time over at my place for the rest of Valentine's Day.

♥'s

Thanks for the sweet Valentine, my love.

May all our Valentines (together, hopefully) be just as sweet.

let's go to the park, i wanna kiss you underneath the stars; maybe we'll go too far, we just don't care. you know I love it when you're loving me, sometimes its better when its publicly; i'm not ashamed, i don't care who sees, just hugging and kissing our love exhibition all. we'll rendevouz on the fire escape, i like to set up an alarm today; the love emergency don't make me wait. just follow i'll lead you, i urgently need you...

i'll tell the world i'm in love anytime

5.2.2008 Post-Exams Celebration

2008-02-18T13:12:00.006+08:00

Manhattan Fish Market, Plaza Singapura

On the bus to Anchorpoint/IKEA:

And this one best:

i think i'm going crazy! :(

Hurt is evident.

2008-02-17T15:34:00.002+08:00

"I'm so naive.
He made promises he couldn't keep.
I would've felt better if he hadn't said those things.
...
I want very much to believe those things he said."

- Kim Sam Shun, My Lovely Sam Shun

Do you feel hurt when this happens? Or is it just me?
Do you feel like shit when you feel like what you have may be slipping away to someone else?

GAH.

men.

2008-02-16T19:37:00.004+08:00

9 Feb 08, 12:15
~stranger: wah.. u like tt nv gif mi hint hw i noe sia..cannot like tt wan wor.. n hw u find my blog sia??

10 Feb 08, 00:28
stranger: haha hmmm.. dun need to really noe who i am de ba let it be a mystery wor i'll be a stranger to u de n i'll just tag in ur blog always de haha

...

10 Feb 08, 00:49
~stranger: but joke lehz.. wad for make it so mystery?? y cannot say lehz?? we are enemy ar??

10 Feb 08, 00:51
stranger: haha maybe we are maybe we aren't haha lol hmmm.. just let it be man haha lol hmmm.. i'm curious who is that guy u stated in ur post on 3rd of Feb

...

11 Feb 08, 01:37
stranger: haha wat is strange man? lol erm... mind letting me noe who is tat guy from the post on 3rd feb

...

11 Feb 08, 15:46
~stranger: u really wanna tag in my tagbox everyday ar??

11 Feb 08, 15:47
stranger: haha y not sia lol it just takes a little less than 5 mins man lol

...

16 Feb 08, 10:50
stranger: wa dun say till like tat lehz i where got tat bad haha knot be friends mehz lol haha must tink till i so cruel mehz

you don't even tag my blog continuously. and it's "little less than 5 mins" what, hor.
and why must you ask who the guy in the post is? it is OBVIOUSLY crystal clear that it is you. EVEN I, THE STUPID PERSON WITHOUT A BRAIN, KNOWS.
and gotta play hard-t0-get too hor, cannot let anybody know who you are, secret agent man.
i'm not being jealous, or maybe i am, but why should i waste my time, energy on such a useless, pathetic activity. it just pains me that you're making so much effort for someone from the past, without my knowledge.
thinking back, i realise why i was so pissed.
BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY SHOWS NO )*!(*@)!@ RESPECT FOR ME.
i know i said i would forget it, but honestly lah. this is bloody ridiculous.
i know that once you read this post, you'll get angry that i got angry over what you would deem such a small matter, i know you'll say i think too much, but everything always has a subconscious meaning; i know you're gonna get sarcastic.

if you had just had the respect to tell me, even though it's now just a friend, i wouldn't even have batted an eyelid.
i would not have cared at all. at all.

i don't wanna think so much about it.
you go do whatever you want, go on, i'm not saying you should stop. it's not that i don't trust you. i dunno how to explain it lah. but honestly, i don't know if you'll ever understand.

hello!

2008-02-09T19:06:00.000+08:00

Someone save my soul from the pre-empted post-school and pre-work/mid-work-searching-during-the-holidays BOREDOM.

Goodness.
SOMEONE RECOMMEND A GOOD GAME TO PLAY, QUICK, BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES FROM THE RINGING SOUND IN MY EAR.

p.s. cny sucked. :(

GET INVOLVED.

2008-02-06T15:02:00.000+08:00

MARCH 29, 8PM.

DO YOUR PART IN YOUR HOMES.

To please a lady,

2008-02-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

Or, to please just me, please adhere strictly to the following steps.

1. Thou shalt buyeth thy lady food and sustenance

It is scientifically (okay, maybe not) proven that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Does a woman's skills in the kitchen reflect upon her skills in another part of the house, then?

That would be a discussion for another day, but for today...

Did the person who invented this fine theory forget that women/girls/old grannies have stomachs, too? And that a well-fed person is a happy and non-grumpy one.

So feed me, and I will be happy. Donuts, chicken, fish, mushroom soup, sambal kangkong. The likes. If it is a) edible, b) something I do not have an allergy to, and c) doesn't look like shit mush, I will appreciate it.

Bonus points if what you present me with is a favorite food or something you (strivingly) made yourself. Or from somewhere really far away or with really long queues.

2. Thou shalt perform sweet deeds

... In the sense of being sweet to a girl, and doing everything you can think of to please her. Best served with a tankful of affection and surprise. Like, surprising her with thoughtful gifts (or food), a love letter, or just surprising her by showing up when its unexpected of you to do so.

Because, repeat after me, girls love surprises.

3. Thou shalt smear sugar on thy mouth

Compliment your girl whenever possible. Because once upon a time, nothing was sweeter to a person's ears than his or her name (and it still is, so don't forget my name) but times have changed and people live and evolve, and now nothing is sweeter than a sweetened word or phrase.

So gimme some sugar.

Figurative sugar anyway. Though it wouldn't hurt to kiss sweet lips! :)

4. Thou shalt watcheth chick flicks with thy lady

We watch action movies and movies like resident evil : extinction with you and hang on to your sleeve for dear life (doesn't that make you feel macho? bet it does :) and continue watching those darned movies with you. (someone should smack those Hollywood producers.)

But mention these two words - chick. flick. - and you're outta there before anyone can say, pink.

Where's the justice in this world man! *sighs*

I have an ambition to have a showcase cabinet full of chick flick movies. And watching it on movie nights will not be ruled out. ^^

5. Thou shalt spend time with thy lady's family

Since you have come this far, and you're serious about this lady, then you shalt put time out from your acclaimed busy schedule (why be busy when you have her? hee:) to spend time not just with your lady, but also with the precious lady's family. From time to time, and especially during holidays.

We all know you have your own family that you're extremely committed to, but spare a couple hours on a special holiday that she wants to spend with you, and she'll feel like a queen (if you're on good terms with the girl's family, that is. And if you're not, it's time to try to be).

6. Thou shalt tolerate thy lady's (incessant) mood swings

Yes, we have mood swings from time to time, and after some time you should be able to predict when it happens and if you're smart, why it happens. SO DEAL WITH IT.
:)))))

7. Thou shalt never forget to smile when thou takes notice of thy lady

A smile never fails to brighten up a person's day. This tip should be used always, in this situation: whenever you catch sight of her. As much as humanly possible, anyway.

And more to come, if I think of more. :)

*

heehee:

Piss me off,

2008-01-31T18:45:00.000+08:00

and this is what I will do to (you and) your car.

HOHOHO.

anger goes both ways,

2008-01-25T22:40:00.000+08:00

I wasn't just angry at her, but i was also angry at you.
so don't think i was never pissed at what you did, because I was, and the hurt will take time to dissipate.

i'm trying hard to forget about it too,
and go back into my web of miscontrued reality,
into my warped fairytale.

*

had a great day at amk hub today,
never knew nebo was actually fun. woots.

and i caught CLOVERFIELD today; it was damn good. even though i thought the ending was very off, but it makes good potential for a second movie. and the monster(s) were DAMN SCARY OMG! i was shaking so bad even the bf felt me shivering.

but again, from a ms student point of view, its a srsly good movie to catch because the 1st person point of view thing makes you feel like you're in the whole movie and situation itself, it feels like the crab thing/monster parasite louse is jumping at you, and it feels like one whole warped amusement ride.

i love the movie even though its reviews suck. and i recommend that everybody (in MS at least) goes to catch it. :)

我的愛人

2008-01-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

我知道故事不會太曲折
我總會遇見一個什麼人
陪我過沒有了她的人生
成家立業之類的等等

她做了她覺得對的選擇
我只好祝福她真的對了
愛不到我最想要愛的人
誰還能要我怎樣呢

我愛的人　不是我的愛人
她心裡每一寸　都屬於另一個人她真幸福
幸福得真殘忍讓我又愛又恨　她的愛怎麼那麼深

我愛的人　她已有了愛人
從他們的眼神　說明了我不可能
每當聽見她或他說「我們」
就像聽見愛情　永恆的嘲笑聲

this was how i felt, not so long ago.
and i realised, the ashley"ididmynose"tisdale's song-the he said she said song-i also related at that point.
so i'm lucky i didn't listen to songs.
else, i'd.. have.. i don't know what i'd have done.

I don't like your girlfriend,

2008-01-19T14:52:00.000+08:00

Found this gem on Zafirah's blog, I think it does a really good job of summarizing some of the things alot of girls wish guys would do. It's lengthy but I promise it's good. :)

When she walks away from you mad [ Follow her ]
When she stare's at your mouth [ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hits you [ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she start's cussing at you [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she's quiet [ Ask her what’s wrong ]
When she ignores you [ Give her your attention ]
When she pulls away [ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying [Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared [ Protect her ]
When she lays her head on your shoulder [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steals your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she teases you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ]
When she says that she likes you [ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grabs at your hands [ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]
When she bumps into you [ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes [ don’t look away until she does ]
When she misses you [ shes hurting inside ]
When you break her heart [ the pain never really goes away ]
When she says its over [ she still wants you to be hers ]
When she repost this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ]

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's ok, don't believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- Tease her and let her tease you back.
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.
- Give her the world.
- Let her wear your clothes.
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
- Let her know she's important.
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

and I have one more thing to add:
If you feel that way, then let her know she's the best thing that has ever happened to you.

♥

I'm glad it all worked out; so apparently things really do work out on its own.
But I hope it never happens again, because I don't think I have the capacity for it, even though I am (still) surprised at how numb I felt when I found out.
I guess now, i've been through all the kinds of hurt that life could possibly throw at me. So yes, though it would have stung less if it didn't happen, at least now I'll be better prepared for whatever comes my way.
And I hope what's between us now stays precious and faithful and enduring.
I really, really, am hoping.

And previous posts were not referring to anyone or anything regarding DMSM.
Speaking of school, past week was a disaster for me. Apologies.

♥

I'm really looking forward to next week. :)

Behind every smile,

2008-01-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

I learnt today, that i have to be a bitch.
and maybe the book is really right.
i finally understand why men love bitches.

Me: Why do people always say I'm nice and goody goody?
Laura: Ah, they don't know. I'm actually the nice one.

Ah how right she is, world. How right.

omfgknncbwpwofjefierfjerf.

2008-01-09T15:55:00.000+08:00

KNN CHEEBYE.
sometimes you look at the world and you see it pass by you,
but you'd never in your whole life think that while you were looking at the world,
a truck would run you over like a piece of shittasting pancake.

yes i feel like killing her. i really do.
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!
YOU GOT NO WHERE ELSE TO FUCK IS IT!
IF I SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN I TELL YOU I WILL BREAK YOUR HEAD WITH THE NEAREST FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

and i am NOT exaggerating.

i could list down the things i would love to do to you right now.
maybe, i could cut your skin open with a pencil tipped with hot needles.
or, i could slice it instead, with a pizza cutter whatever the fuck you call it.
hmmm, perhaps i should push you off the 15th storey.
no la, that's too soft - try dunking your head into boiling water.
ah, pluck your hair off chunk by chunk with a D&T clamp.
if that's too cruel i could do the chinese torture thing and tie your hands, feet and arms with rope to horses and get them to rip your wasted bloody soul into 5 bloody fucking smelly parts. except i would not employ horses, but frightened elephants on a rampage so maybe they would crush your body along the way too ^^.
or possibly squeeze glass shards into your ears.
and even into your eyes.
oh! i could break your nose with a frying pan that's heated with burning butter.
or or! BUY PINK MANICURED NAILS FROM DAISO AND POKE THEM ONE BY ONE INTO YOUR EYES AND CREATE A PINK FLOWER :)

and i am not kidding around.

if i see you and am within arm's reach of your fucking head,
i will twist it off your neck.

:)

assurance :)

2008-01-08T17:48:00.001+08:00

I just want to let you know.. i am truly sorry for hurting you.. i never want to meant to or ever will want to hurt you at all..

though we had some bad and admittedly painful times...remember the good times that we had, the millions of good times that made us laugh and love and smile..

and that in this period that you are considering us..

I just want to let you know... that the promises I made to you the other day in that long msg, and all the promises thereafter - i will keep those promises. cross my heart..
i will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going and alive..
whatever it takes..for you.. =)

*and yes prev post was written by me. =)

I saw your MSN nick and I feel comforted.

2008-01-08T10:30:00.000+08:00

Dear Cherylene,

Stay strong in this moment of truth. The one you love may be far at hand but if destiny points you to it, it will happen. And as much as you don't want what you fear, perhaps it is better, maybe not for you, but definitely for the one you love. And you have to learn how to accept this. It's not easy. It never is. But you've taken this step, out of love and consideration, and that is a progress in itself. You are calm but you know that when the day you look forward to but fear at the same time comes, you might lose your composure because you don't know what is ahead of you.

You want to tell the one you love so badly that you have finally seen the truth, and have finally realised this love's importance, and that at certain points you were acting immaturely or irrationally, or in a childish fashion, but you have thought it through and you have come to the realization that this step has allowed you to realise this; so this step is not at all bad, since you have seen your own faults and mistakes, and are now persevering to move yourself away from all these mistakes and become a better person.

You have realised, as well, that the reason why you acted so immaturely at those points in the past before was, in the first place, because you wanted to make it better, using the only way you knew how; now however, you understand that they were not the best ways to make things better, and that there is a more healthy way to do things and solve problems. And you want so badly, since you've had this sudden epiphany and realization, to act upon it and solve everything with your loved one - but you cannot, not right now. You have to endure til then. You have to give space. What people fail to realise that people need space, and even if you thought you were giving enough space, you always have to ask if the space you're giving is comfortable enough, or not - you have realised this.

Endure, Cherylene. You are doing this for the better of the one you love, and you know it, he knows it. You wish so badly to run to him in this period of distress, but you can't. Not yet. Be strong.

You want to tell him that despite what he feels, you do know him very well. You know so many things about him that he doesn't know about himself; this might sound arrogant and pompous, but you know yourself, and you know him. And you know.

You worry about the worst, because you have to prepare yourself for all the negativity that might come your way. You trust, you love, and while trust is always devoid of doubt, you don't want to have yourself living in a fairytale now. You want to prepare yourself for the worst, so you don't fall too hard later on. In this period, just learn how to be a better person, and life will take the lead from there. You want badly to feel that it'll all be a happy ending... But you know that you must never think that way, not for now, anyway. Perhaps living in a fairytale was a way of guarding yourself before, but you must snap out of it for now.

You feel an immense love in your heart, that you know even after this period, will never go away and will stay through the rest of your life, no matter what happens. As foolish as it sounds, you know it's true. You want him to feel the same, but you don't know what is in his life now. You don't want uncertainty in your life, but you cannot push for strained certainty - that is never healthy.

You want to tell him so many things, you want to tell him that things will be okay, that you will make conscious efforts, you will change, you will make things good again.

No one else can understand what you're going through right now, because after all, every situation in the world is different, there might be some similarities but there is much so much uniqueness and differences in every situation; so you try to avoid a lot of things that will not be good for you.

You hope that what is said here does not affect anything negatively. All you want is to clear your mind, and for the loved one to understand that, and to not be angry with anything said, and to remember that you wanted a clean slate.

You want to say so much more, however, but for now, you have to wait, and trust in his love, which ultimately, you very much do.

Good things come to those who wait, so be patient for your love, child.

Be patient.

I feel Christmas Cheer!

2007-12-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

Or not.

I feel particularly depressed now that it's Christmas. I think I am going to need a psychiatrist soon. Would people even notice I was gone?

*imagines dad saying, "of course lah!
and I smile with glee-
"so huge, how not to notice you disappeared?"
smile disappears*

you know,
what the fat guy from Austin Powers said oh-so-matter-of-factly, I remember really clearly:
"I eat when I am sad and when I'm sad I eat.
It's a vicious cycle."
=((((

Possible last-words suicidal notes running through my head:
"Dear Martin, I love you, and I wish I could have given you more hugs and spent more time with you because time spent with you is heavenly..."
"Dear Laura, I do love you too. And yes why are you so surprised that I'll hug you when you're sick?..."
"Dear Mummy, I miss the times I'd call you up and tell you I missed you when you were at work..."
"Dear Papa, thank you for being a cool (albeit sometimes annoying strict) dad. And for trusting me..."
"Dear Grace, thank you for telling me you love me because I realise I love you too alot alot... and for being me that threadless tee..."
"Dear Jewel, relax..."
"Dear teddy whom I named Adam when I was 13, please forgive me for never sewing up that patch on your butt..."
"Dear red and yellow teddies who sit at the foot of my bed, i'm sorry for kicking you every night when I sleep-move..."
"Dear whoever knows me, I regret not sitting on you..."
"Dear MS0601, ..."

And I know I am going to get scolded (he's already lining up to slap me) for saying "i-am-suicidal".

The thought that I can't get the people I love presents, besides cards. It is downright depressing.
And at the rate we're all going, I don't feel the love.
Not me.

:(

Wonderful.
Plus with the rough patch, it's not a very good December.
Someone write me a song.
I wish I'd get a present from you, yes you.
:)

yes, i look faceless in this picture.

HOTMAIL IS A MOSQUITO.

2007-12-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

Cos it's definitely out to suck my blood dry.

Other email accounts seem to work fine, but my hotmail interface is completely screwed up and its running everywhere!! I am hoping that it's just a passing problem or server issue because GAHHHHH i need my email. :(

transgression: strange how reliant we are on such technology.

HOTMAIL PLS GET YOUR DAMN ACT TOGETHER.
GAHHHH!

*

going for the PSC night thingy tmr. feeling kinda lazy to go though, cos finally, its one of the peaceful weekends with no reports to chiong for.

While we laid there, I suddenly felt blank and empty and void of emotion, and I felt afraid.
Afraid that I was starting to put our relationship at risk,
on (permanent) hold.

I'll still love you when I'm gone

A good twist,

2007-11-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

And you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

Leaving would be too painful, too tiresome;

having to start over would be too much of a hassle.

And I don't think I'll ever find anyone as perfect again.

I treasure what I have, and I'll cherish this love,

cos' there'll be no other like it,

no, not anymore.

I appreciate all that you're doing for me,

and thank you so much;

I see the progressive learning curve in our relationship, in both of us now,

and I'm happy that you're happy,

and that I'm happy too,

and that you're always trying to make me happy.

thankyou, for real:)

♥

Stickyeyes.

2007-11-25T13:26:00.000+08:00

Humanity's desire for new technology to improve the ease of tasks in their lives, has never been and never will be satisfied...

INTRODUCING A NEW TOOL THAT WILL MAKE YOUR (ONLINE) LIFE SO MUCH EASIER!

Stickyeyes,

the extra pair of eyes you never had.

*credits to Pigra/Laura. :)

Enchanted,

2007-11-21T01:26:00.000+08:00

late night blogging.
my eyes hurt.

STUPID HOTMAIL'S SERVER IS CONTINUALLY BUSY AND I CAN'T FUCKING SEND OUT MY ATTACHMENTS SINCE LAST WEEK. UEHFIURNFIEJRFERF &(*!&*!@&*^!@!.

* oh. shafinah just told me-

♥ imissyou, says:
i cant seem to send out on hotmail lah!

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
u sent thru mail alreadi rite..?

♥ imissyou, says:
stupid hotmail cant send out attachments since last week
i did?
=x

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
heh
yup

♥ imissyou, says:
u got it alr?

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
hee

♥ imissyou, says:
................

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
*nds*
mmhmm
heh

♥ imissyou, says:
when?

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
jus
*laughs*
am downloading it now
heh

♥ imissyou, says:
Windows Live Hotmail couldn't send your message because the server was busy. Please try again later. Please report this problem to Microsoft. Network status

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
oo

♥ imissyou, says:
><

[b][c=8]-= Shuff- Fee- Nah =-[/c][/b] says:
finish dwnld readi
hee
the one u attached tgthr wif the deadlines for ICA 3 rite..? =)

♥ imissyou, says:
yeahhhh
><
stupid hotmail

ARGH.

*

So many movies I wanna catch, but i'm so damn broke.
Stardust, Golden Compass, ENCHANTED!, Fred Claus, Game Plan.
And I still haven't caught Lust, Caution.

Which do you think I shd watch!
I like Enchanted though.
Mainly because it's been a long time since its released princessy Disney cartoon movies. Which i lovelovelovelove. HA.

if i went and returned, would i find you waiting?

Time has got a way of taking back, everything you thought you had;

2007-11-14T01:39:00.001+08:00

I guess I was selfish today
and i'm sorry if i upset you
But i can't find the words to say
how it drives me crazy, the things you do

i didnt know why you asked me that, and i was unhappy, because if i were in your shoes, i would have said no, honestly. i would have said i had something else on. which was why i was upset, because i didnt understand why you considered it a possibility at all, because to me- it isn't a possibility, and i know that it's a selfish way of thought but. well, that's the reason why i.. well. yeah, that's why.
but i appreciate that you respect me enough to tell me, so thank you for that.
i know i'm not easy to please sometimes and the world's worst person to get along with sometimes, so thank you for even putting up with me all this while.

it's almost 19months already. thats more than 1.5 years already, and honestly when we started out i didnt know we'd last this long. :)

i still rmb that first day-
m: so how long you wanna be together for?
c: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. until i get tired of you.

:)

but i don't think i'll ever get tired of you,
unfortunately :D

*

anybody else feel the stress of the semester creeping on?
i need to stop taking 3-day relax breaks.
load up the coffee and curry and stay in to do muchos work. :)

drink in the booze and sex and wild overhigh,
'cos tonight we live and tomorrow we might die.

Back in. Well, not black.

2007-11-12T17:40:00.000+08:00

so i said i would not blog but oh hello world i blog once again because i cant seem to put my brain into okay start work mode. least not yet, muaha.

i am craving soya bean and chocolate and chicken soup, heartwarming stuff that will taste a million stuff on a rainy, bad day like this where i just want to curl up, write some novel rubbish and daydream about weddings and lobster supreme.

i have bong and ip to do, and i forgot to watch the tyra show. damn.

waking up to a terrible morning spoils your entire day. and having seaweed and mushroom soup for dinner does not motivate me any further :(

completely random, i know.

i wish i could be closer, i wish you could accept me and what i've done, but... i don't have the confidence that you will.

the one thing i live for:

hello.

2007-11-11T19:14:00.000+08:00

been a long time,

and i won't post entries for a while.

temporary change of skin, til i find a better one.

Whistle up the evil,

2007-11-01T01:46:00.000+08:00

some people bite off the hand that feeds them,
chew it up,
and spit it out somewhere else for laughing hyenas to feed on.

and the gruesome thing is that they do it over and over again,
with no inclination of an end,
and they seem to enjoy eating this shit.

It can happen to you.

2007-10-06T21:26:00.001+08:00

Explode;

2007-10-03T16:30:00.000+08:00

yes it's been a long while.

while my laptop's charging port conked out again, i couldn't use it for 2 weeks. and then another 2 weeks, after that, while it's at the repair centre, because they needed more time than the usual 1-2 working days because the parts needed to be imported in.

see i so special, they need to import stuff in from god knows which ulufied country for me. :D
bow down.

lovethisvideoandyesiknowitsdatedalreadybequiet. =D something about it makes you.. jump.

the holidays have passed so fast, have they not?

i was pretty much working almost everyday for the month of september. weekends as well; previously i wouldn't even have agreed to bump my ass out of the house on weekends. at research plus, for the starhub project, esplanade project, and marina bay project.

now I know so much more about esplanade than i did, and about marina bay too.

when i was working at marina bay, i actually managed to give tourists directions (oh marina sq is that way, past the restaurants, up the stairs, to marina sq - of course i have to thank the thai express fellow for this piece of info hahaha) and even tell them what time certain shows at the esplanade were (oh the beautiful sunday show ar? it's on fri, sat, sun evenings, and its free) - so proud of myself wahaha! big improvement from my just-escaped-from-a-convent self.

:D

at marina bay, there was this african couple who live in britain i think. i surveyed them and boy they were the best people to survey ever. intelligent answers, funny jokes, smiles all the way even when they knew it was gonna last a.. short.. while more. :D they were over 60, but they looked 40. talk about youthful!

"lets help the girl earn some money!" said the lady. so sweet!

and halfway through the survey, she said,
"are you from a convent?"

yes, i replied, quizzically.

"i knew it," she said, with a confident smile. "you can tell," she boasted to her husband, who smiled at me, like he's heard this many times before.

"convent girls are.. different," she explains. how CHIJ principals always say at morning assemblies, you can always tell a convent girl right away. sounds stupid right?

but i just freaked when this british lady, from half a world away, can tell.
ohwell =/

and they were pleasant beyond pleasant :D at the end of the survey, they were like no no, the pleasure's all ours, it was a pleasure to be surveyed by you! your company should be happy they've got you ...

Maybe they were just happy to have finished the 20minute survey. :)

!
and i got surburnt so terribly from marina bay. the first day itself, even though it was super cloudy, i still got so damn red! and jacintha was complaining non-stop that she looks like a lobster. *rolls eyes*

hahaha.

daiso. tired. living hell. boredom.
ok la, at least this time, wasn't so boring cos there were a couple of nice people there. and funny stuff that happened. and i met some people from sjc. and this girl was martin's senior. and this girl knows my godsister and her ex.

coincidence, no?

such a small world.

am waiting for my laptop to be back home. :(

and for my new phone. and for my xbox game that i bought online. :D and for new xbox controllers. i am way too bored at home. :D

pretty feline, come to me,
bite my finger, make me bleed.

NELLY FURTADO LYRICS
"Explode"

Peso joga ginga roda

Vera's face burnt as a memory of bedroom fun
With a ligther and some hairspray
Smoking in the girls' room
Not worse than Shelley's rape behind the McDonald's
By a man she thought was fine, didn't tell anybody
Or maybe back then we just thought that she was getting some

Now we look back and see that she didn't know how
We never thought that we'd get caught up
Stuck in the teenage waste

As we explode
As we explode

Then getting drunk in the bushes by the road outside the Kmart
Rolling around in them to see if you would get prickled
Slip the acid on your tongue rooftop mall parkade
We couldn't get enough

Then count the stars and the ten million woes
Just you and the universe judging each other
We never knew that we'd get caught up
Stuck in the teenage waste

As we explode
As we explode
As we explode
As we let go

Peso joga ginga roda

It's a fight, it's a fight and you finally belong
Got a shiner now and it's more than a battle scar
More than a battle scar, such a good, good story to tell
At lunch break, lunch break, lunch break, lunch break
Such a good, good story to tell

You bully, you break, you bully, you break
You fake, you fake, you fake, you fake
You smoke, you toke, you want, you flaunt,
you hit it and you're in it and it's spinning

And it's wild
We never thought that we'd get caught up
Stuck in the teenage waste

As we explode
As we explode
As we explode
As we let go

We're counting the stars
We're counting the stars
We're gonna go far, we're gonna go far
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars
We're not very far, we're not very far

And it's you and me in the open air
It's truth or dare, we don't care
We're counting the stars, we're counting the stars,
we're counting the stars, we're counting the stars

Frustration, I wonder;

2007-09-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

She sat up, brushed her hair, sighed.
He was still there; still sleeping, still lightly snoring. It hadn't been long since he fell into slumber, hardly five minutes ago, so suddenly, while she wanted to continue.
She stood, hoping the movement would stir him, but it didn't, not barely. The curtain shuddered with a sudden wind, and she shuddered too, with thoughts of leaving this place, him... But her heart wrenched, at the thought of his despair, at finding her gone. At having her gone.
At having him gone, from her life.
But she could not stay, she had to go.

Sitting down beside him, she picked up the blanket, to wrap herself; to her surprise he started, murmured, gestured to her, asking for his clothes, and she handed it to him. He went back into sleep just as instantly as he had woken.
She surrendered the blanket to him, tucking it around his unclothed body; she curled up on the mattress, pressing her thighs together to keep warm, staring at him, at his face.
She nudged him gently, but he would not wake.

The minutes passed, and she remained there, waiting, for him to wake up, to send her home, or at the very least, say goodbye. Was that too much to ask of him?
Why was he always so exhausted whenever they met? Why was he always so tired? Why was he always falling asleep? It did not matter that she was not satisfied; all that mattered to her was that she satisfied him; and that he did not allow her to do so at times, because of his seemingly permanent exhaustion, frustrated her.

She decided to leave, after a half hour of waiting, but she first took the pants from his hands, the hands that she loved to touch and caress, and folded them neatly beside him; she pulled the blanket up and made sure he'd be warm - but he suddenly sat up, yawned, and lay back down.

She tucked him in again, wishing she could spend the night there, in the comfort of his arms... She grabbed the pillow, lifted his head to place the pillow beneath him.. and he woke up, for the third time.

I'm going home, she said curtly, holding back tears. You just sleep, I'll go home myself.

Of course she wished he would send her home. Of course she wished he would stroke her hair while she laid her head on his chest, on the bus home, as he always did. Of course she wished he would kiss her on the stairs beneath her place, before hugging her goodbye. Of course she wished he would never fall asleep like this, or at least, not so often. Of course she wished he would follow through. Of course she wished... that she knew why this hurt so much that he left her halfway.

He mumbled something about sending her home, but in her anger she refused. You just sleep.

She went to the door, fumbled with his keys, hoping he would come to her, and he did.

I'll send you home, he said, his eyes puffy from sleep. I'll send you home, never-

No. She didn't look into his eyes as she said it. You go sleep, I'll go home, I know you're tired.

Sorry, he mustered, softly. And her heart sank because she knew it was sincere. She pulled the door open; she didn't kiss him goodbye like they always did. He knew something was wrong, asked her what it was, but she shook her head, moved off to the stairs.

Down a step, two.

Then she heard the bang of a closing door. She weakened, but continued.

And then a scream, frustration imminent.
She did not know which direction it came from. But she knew, instinctively, that it was his.

She felt weak, leaned her head on the dirty, unscrubbed wall, and began to weep, to shiver.
And chiding herself, she ran back up the stairs, back to his door, rang the bell, hoping he would answer, imagined him hesitating as he heard it, imagined him thinking how a simple half hour nap had screwed him up, fucked him up. She rang it again.

She hadn't told him, but the previous night, she had dreamt of him breaking up with her on her birthday.

She stood at the door as he opened it, clutching the gate with tears in her eyes, traces of mascara tracing down her dolled cheeks. Desperation and helplessness lurked in his eyes, and he looked at her with question, with worry.

But without warning she threw herself into his arms, taking comfort in his warm embrace as she wept. Why didn't you insist on going with me, she whispered. Why did you leave me. Why do you always work so hard. Why are you always listless, listless.. whenever we meet.

He apologised, assured her. Sincerely told her what she needed to hear. And held her as she cried; as her tears ran down his shoulders, he held her tighter, cried together with her... and she felt safe in his embrace, and nothing else mattered anymore.

***

Doesn't matter if you understand, or if you relate to the story above or not.
As long as I do.

***

Laptop is fucked up again, for the 3rd time.
I swear, I will never patronise Fujitsu again, no matter how nice their products look.
or how cheap they are.

Am working every single day for this month, with only 2 days off I believe. =x
Sian. Research Plus, Daiso.

Only consoling factor is that I'm working, for the first time, for some projects, together with him. Which makes my nights less tiring. I know it sounds sappy.. But.. You know what I mean. =)

And of course, incoming $$$. What could be better than that =D (besides errrrrr alot of other things. :D )

And I hate the way you ignore me when I am nice enough to come visit you at work. Pfft.

***

Don't be afraid of death,
Just be afraid of leading a colourless life.

I love you.
Don't you ever dare forget that.

Waiting, 'til I fall away,

2007-08-26T13:01:00.000+08:00

Here I am, waiting for you
But I fear that my patience
is wearing thin.

The exams are over. I am damn bored at home. Typical holiday effect - you know how you always wait in flustered anticipation for the damn holidays and when they're finally here you are bored to death?
argh.
perhaps it wouldnt be so bad if i wasn't broke again :(

on a happier note, everything is well now; i can't believe what i'd been living with, for the past 10 years, it's crazy. i've got photos that are whack. and no i did not go to iran or clubbing -_-" lol. whack whack whack.

:)

sometimes my feelings scare me;
lately i've been wondering if we were better off friends.

MUGSERABLE,

2007-08-08T22:18:00.000+08:00

Did I miss you while I daydreamed
Overlook your smile, dazing into the distance
Now that you’re gone I wish I’d seen
The way you lit up at my glance

mugging, hard.
in order of material to be studied-
bmmp, mbsn, pmm, imm, mmr.
i just hope i wont fail anything this semester, especially mmr.

[edit]
shuffle on windows media player suddenly played bad day by daniel powter. and i think this is the first time in goodness knows how long this song plays on my laptop. and the ironic thing is, today is the worst day of my life.

my mocha fudge spilled on the floor, got into my shoes and legs and shorts, and even onto my laptop. and i only took a sip of it.

scooptalk wasn't wholly finished. presentation was a nightmare, though feedback was that it was okay. but. urgh.

got yelled at.

lost my earphones.

while at tp, my slippers broke (again). and the shoes i borrowed from mingzhu, his friend, were fitting, a tad too fitting. though i was very grateful to have found spare shoes. :) but the 15min walk home was pure torture. =/

***

am going to the strangest place on friday night, and i am very, very terrified. i don't know what to believe anymore; because all of what i thought were real might just be.. ripped to shreds. and you'll never guess what place i'm going to. :/

[/edit]

because i know how to make you scream, boy.

Romance and all that fluff,

2007-08-04T14:08:00.000+08:00

[Cora]
I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

[Alex]
I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh

[Cora]
I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere

[Alex]
I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

[Cora]
There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Cora & Alex]
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

I love this song, from top to bottom, start to end.
Music & Lyrics is a damn good movie.
Then again, it's probably just because i'm a sucker for romantic comedy flicks, where you just know that no matter what happens, the male lead and the female lead will definitely fall in love, argue and break up, but love prevails and they get back together again, with the male chasing after her on a motorcycle (ala How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) or the guy writing a song and performing it at a live concert.
Don't we all wish that somehow, it'll end up like that for us? that a guy will do something drop-dead romantic for us and sweep us off our feet and all the anger we've mustered inside will dissipate instantly.

sigh.
anyway. yeah, watch Music & Lyrics. It was sitting around in my laptop, collecting dust cos i was waiting to watch it with him. :( though i knew he doesnt like romantic flicks. doesnt that make me really silly? haha. so i gave up and watched it myself. =)

I'm also a sucker for romantic movies set in New York. Something about that setting makes it more magical. :D

Watch the stars outside my window,
In your arms I'd burst out crying,
And as you lay your head on my pillow,
All I wanted was to touch your face
And hear you say that it'd be all right
And that we'd be together all night.

♥

I cried, but only because you were too beautiful,

2007-08-03T02:19:00.000+08:00

i fear, losing you.

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
sometimes.. i feel martin's my guardian angel.. because.. what were the odds of us meeting man? we were complete strangers.. but yet.. we did meet and fell in love! and.. sometimes i fear that because he's such a good person, he'll be taken away from me earlier.. and im scared of that

***

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
but you know smt

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
*smth

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
cos nobody knows as in..how to react

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
im really quite scared.. cos

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
its so sudden

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
you know

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
palm reading?

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
n this type id things nobody will expect to happen

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
yes?

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
the life line is the line that curves down

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
the one nearest to your thumb there

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
and mine is quite long..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
which hand?

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
but his..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
left rite?

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
left

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
his seems to be quite short

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
and everytime i think abt it i get so scared

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
and i nkow its stupid of me to believe in it

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
mine is complicated..

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
but what if it really happens????

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
sigh

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
got so many small lines linking to the main ones..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
lene..dotn think bout such stuff

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
this is just what pple said

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
dont worry so much kie?

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
just live now

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
n be happy

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
i mean..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
if today is over,it will be over

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
no more turning back of time..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
just dont think bout this palm thingy

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
its alrite if its for fun.

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
i dunno

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
sometimes when i'm really on the verge of breaking down..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
i will just think of suicidal

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
but,i'm scared..

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
n i will miss so much things..

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
ya!

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
and

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
n i havent even seen the world yet..

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i havent done so many things..

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i havent gone travelling, i havent sat on a aeroplane for so long.. i havent gone to new york, paris..

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i havent shopped and spend 2000 dollars at ago

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
*a go

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
lol

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
ok

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i havent gone to hawaii for my honeymoon

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i havent had sex!

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i ahvent had kids!

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
lol

♥ I cried, but only because you were too beautiful, says:
i dont have a dog yet!!!

!Jewel - i love panda.x) says:
cherylene..

***

i don't know if you'll read this. but somehow, i hope you don't.. because you'll see the insecurities i have.. about me, about you, about us.. about life.
maybe you'd think i'm being overly dramatic. and maybe i am.
but i honestly think you're from heaven. you're perfect; shortcomings here and there, but otherwise, you're.. perfect. and you know how good things never last? i'm just afraid.. of losing you.. losing the best thing that ever happened to me..
you're my guardian angel, sent from up above. i honestly believe that.
and i pray to God that you'll be with me, protecting me always.. I really, sincerely do. Because.. I can't imagine life without you. and i don't want to find out what life without you would be like.
just thinking about it- my stomach has twisted into knots. sigh.
life would be meaningless.. without you.

♥

[edit]
i know i sound morbid. shut up and don't tell me im being emo/suicidal/drama.
and touch wood, i hope all this shit NEVER HAPPENS.
[/edit]

ZOOSCAPADE #2 - PICTURES!

2007-07-30T16:52:00.000+08:00

#1 . that warm, fuzzy feeling.

a) the sitting down pictures were at kfc. you know, even after that email i got about kfc using fake genetically modified chickens, i still can't shake kfc off. they're that addictive.

b) i actually wanted to take a photo of the stream beneath us cos we were on this fairytale-esque stone bridge. -_-" he didn't get what i meant. sigh.

c) i know i look retarded in the bottom left hand corner picture. don't remind me.

i wasn't happy, really. because he said i looked like a chinese in the above left right hand corner picture. :( i did not edit the above pictures. :(((

#2 . long, sharp things.

not something you'd want to catch while fishing.

i seriously was shocked when i saw that thing. it was under the treetop trail. you know how when you see things on the tv, and they seem so small and harmless. and then when you see them in reality, you get a huge wakeup call and a slap back to reality.

yeah thats what seeing that hugeeeee long snout croc which supposedly has survived for 65 million years or something as ancient as that does to you.

speaking of surviving millions of years, I SWEAR COCKROACHES ARE EVIL. my rationale is that since they've managed to survive that long, they must have gotten help from the devil. sold their souls to the devil or something. ROACHES ARE EVIL.

two days ago i was in my toilet when this roach appeared in front of me. i screamed and ran out.
two hours later, while on the phone, it tried to run onto me, but i screamed and ran away.
and HAH! IT FELL TO THE FLOOR AND OVERTURNED and was killed the next morning. teehee.

for further proof of my cockroaches are evil theory, scroll down for more disgusting pictures of cockroaches later.

#3. animals, animals, more animals.

a) the poor snake was trying to climb up the wall, which is actually a poster of a rock, thinking that it was a real rock. poor dude.

b) the jaguar was huge. again, seeing it in real life was uh. really something wow.

c) the gopher really stood to attention when i held the camera at it.

d) the penguin was about to fall off the stage. and like i mentioned in my previous post, american tourists were making fun of it. :(

#4 . stupid things we did.

for which i am quite sure, somewhere, we got laughed at. hahaha.

#5 . clone.

if you watched white chicks, you'd know what i'm talking about. wahaha.

#6 . more stupid stuff.

a) hippo. yes. it really had its butt in a strategic position where lotsa people were snapping pictures. the camera loves you, honey.
b) and yes, see the hippo i'm pointing to?
c) and yes, again, we have more butts.
d) .. okay. i honestly did not realise all the pictures were of butts. sorry. that was the donkey that pooped in front of us after posing for us.

# 7 . while waiting.

for the Wonders of the Wild show that never started. half an hour of life wasted away. =)

stupid rain.

#8 . big, big, big.

something you REALLY don't want to see when you go swimming. was DAMN HUGE. tip of the tail alone was like what, the size of my thigh/waist. maybe combined. =/

#9 . WILLIAM!!!

doesn't he look like a william? teehee.

okay fine so his name is not william. but he looks like a william! all regal and everything. looks like he's pimping himself up to ride a carriage that the Queen will be in. hohoho. he posed gamely for me, the darling. :D

# 10. the further proof.

look at that ! OMG. a whole enclosure FULL OF HISSING COCKROACHES. looks like a torture chamber OMGGGGGGGGG.

I TOLD YOU THEY WERE EVIL.

#11 . elephantos!

more butts eh. i wanted to ride em. but rainy day, NOTHING COULD BE DONE ZZZZZ.

#12 . ♥

i love you ♥ , thanks for the lovely time we had. :)

left with mmr, jw, and french. i think. jiayou!

everyone's falling/already are sick! =/

ZOOSCAPADE

2007-07-21T23:37:00.001+08:00

i think its the pmsal time of the month now and i am feeling like crap and the weather is to be blamed once again and i dont feel like punctuating my sentences and i took this day off to rest and have fun and i did.

went to the zoo today, had lots and lots of fun;
though it rained thrice today and we got stuck in the rain it didnt dampen my spirit! =)
(and thats the way you should be, too :)

i think i had a slight fever later on when we were resting,
and thank you for giving me that big hug cos i needed it so much;

and the cracks in my feet have dirt in em cos i stood in the puddles when i tried to feed the pigs,
and i love the goats at the kiddy farm =D always eating the leaves i fed em.
i'm fated to own the zoo one day, i know i am =D

we saw a monkey masturbate, a lemur tried to pee on us, and we didn't get to take photos with the snake =( stupid rain.

we laughed at everything and im sure everything laughed at us too =D
i love the butterflies in the fragile forest, and im absolutely fascinated by the crocodiles and how gigantuan they were; not something you'd want to see when you're swimming in a pool cos the edge of the croc's tail alone is as fucking big as my thigh.
and you know how huge my thunder thighs are. =(

and how the school of tiny fishes kept swimming from the left side of the croc tank,
to the right side,
to the left,
to the right,
to the left,
to the right,
neverending.
crazy.

the polar bears were missing =(
but the baby penguin was so cute, waddling away.
pity those american tourists keep making fun of it.
"you got surfed/served!" "it just got served, man hawhawhawhaw."
Not funny dude, cute penguin = DO NOT MAKE FUN OF IT.

the horse loved me! =D
it posed for a picture for me. =D=D=D

the white tiger made eye contact with me, i think.
freaky. prolly thinking, "fooood."
=/

and the donkey trotted over to me the moment i stood near its stall, and i smiled and waved!
and it stared at me for a good five minutes.
and then it turned around, and started to poop.
right there in front of me.

i loved today;
was very, very fun.
we took lotsa pictures,
shall put them up once i get them.

i love your shoulder, can i take it home with me?

谢谢爱 ; ♥

2007-07-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

雨下好乱半个夜晚
你不在身边怎么晚安
天好蓝要和你一起看
起风时由你来温暖
心事简单一句说完
要我们永远不会分开
有眼泪也因为你灿烂
你微笑因为我盛开
要谢谢爱
让你在我身边守护我的未来

有多少美丽奇迹
你手心里全都记载
好期待
要谢谢爱
让我学会宽容学会体谅关怀
像阳光陪着大海
是平静还是澎湃

都是爱

***

I'm turning into one of those love addicts who put chinese song lyrics on their blogs,
because they're the only things that can express your feelings the most. =/

:)

The other day, some time ago, Laura was again lamenting that all men suck. (-__-", i know.)

Laura : All men suck.
Me : *after a silence* not all.
My dad doesn't, neither does my grandad.
Laura : All men suck.
Me : *after another silence* He does not suck either. *smiled*
Laura : !! Huh! And last time you agreed with me that all men suck. HUH! *points at me accusingly*

This conversation was really some time back;
but it really struck me as to how much my mindset has changed, since a year, 3 months, and 2 days ago.

But somehow, I don't regret it. :)

♥

Frustrations, they come and go;

2007-07-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

One comes, finishes, and the next one falls swiftly in line.

....

And no, they're not hunks.
I WISH.
(err. okay so they're not so hot. but I always had a thing for punk/skater jerks, so forgive me.)

They're projects, one after the other, bunched together.

Can't wait for it all to end. I really want to do well. =/ though somehow I feel I've screwed JW up, alot. :( hopefully ica4 will redeem me.

Pictures from last week's gym!

Whacky gym next wed again k! <3>

And this (err clickkk) is what happens when you do too much work for way too long.

venting frustration yo :( haha.

15 months this weekend;
really looking forward to it, whatever, wherever it is.
The fact that we've made it a point to argue much lesser makes me much happier. :)
Thank you, love, for all that you've done for me.

You know that feeling you get, deep down in your gut, where you feel you know it'll last forever?
I hope that the feeling's not wrong.
♥

Manipulative beasts we all are,

2007-07-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm using you, and I feel apologetic.
And this feeling... what is it?
I hope it goes away, because it is of no use to me.

Don't people stay with each other because they are of some use to them?

Romantically, you stay with him/her, because you love him/her ; you can't live without him/her.

Between friends, people maintain friendships because their friends offer some sort of comfort, help, or joy, or perhaps to some twisted people, cruelty or morbidity.

Family - you stick with them because, as the saying goes, they're the ones who are supposed to be with you through thick and thin. Blood is thicker than water, they say. They offer you support, and you readily take it.

Strangers though.
You don't know what they offer you;
what if they offer you something that hurts you instead?
So you don't stay with them.

People you disapprove of, don't like, or don't want to associate yourself with;
you don't stay with them,
because you know for sure that they have nothing to give you.

Think about it.
I don't mean to say that you and I are conceited beings who remain as societal creatures solely for our own self benefit.
I personally hate manipulative people like that. (Je deteste! LOL) And the day that I became someone like that, someone kill me please.
I like to see the goodness in people; but I admit that that's one of my weaknesses. Trust in the pure innocence of a person, until I'm proven wrong.

It's quite warped, like I always say,
but this idea, to an extent, there's a certain... truth to it.

Sweet raptured light,
it ends here tonight.

TRANSFORMERS! <3

2007-07-06T20:09:00.000+08:00

I just wish you'd crave what I crave, sometimes.

***

Why do we even help humans?

They are a primal and violent race.

But they are a young species, and have much to learn.

And I have seen goodness in them.

PRIME!

sexiest robot ever.

The best movie EVER!

And I usually hate action movies because the plots are too twisted and complicated.

But I loveeeee TRANSFORMERS! It's quite amazing because the cartoon sucks. But the movie is so damn good.

And on an MS note, there were so many times where I (quoting azhar) "didn't know where the hell the camera was." LOL. The angles and lighting and all that crap was amazing.

One part where the Defence Minister, the Sector 7 guy and the analysts were trapped in the room under the dam, the camera zipped around a room, and then went through the tiny space between two bottles?! And my mind was like, omgomgomg how did the camera do that huh and my mind began processing possible ways for the camera to do that. -_-

Half the time, I was thinking about where on earth the camera was. -_- heh.

MS has ruined my ~~life~~ movie going experience. Hahaa.

Fantastic movie man.

Jazz

Bumblebee

Megatron

Starscreen(or is it starscream?)

Blackout

Frenzy

Ironhide

Scary Scorponok =/

Bonecrusher, who looks like he is wearing heelys.

Bonecrusher vs. Prime!

Kinky.

Yeah. rightttt.

Shia LaBeouf or something.

Megan Foxxxxx.

Josh Duhamel!

*heart drops* CAMARO *slurps*

I was sooo excited to see those cars. I think I might actually have some weird guy hormones wired in me cos I get really excited when I see gorgeous cars :D wooo!

And last but not least, how could we forget?

BIGASS EXPLOSIONS! :D

Beautiful cars, gorgeous leading lady, cute leading guy. Was drooling at all three. Wahahha. :D

Riveting movie,

10 stars over 5! :D

Go to Transformers Live Action Movie Blog for more info!

Show off that body you got,

2007-07-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

Reading one of my earlier posts, I realised that I have shot a gun before.
I signed up for this air rifle shooting course in Sec 3 where I was taught how to shoot. Can't believe I forgot the first time I actually held a gun. =/

But the course was one of those instances, where you want to do well so badly, but it turns out average or not so average.

I guess that's why my brain chose not to remember it huh.
But it was a great stress reliever, and something I looked forward to on, if I remember correctly, saturday. Imagine, holding a rifle, aiming at the bullseye, thinking of someone absolutely hateful, pulling the trigger, blasting the bullet.

The power.

***

I'm going to the gym tomorrow!
Me, the gym.
Not to be used in a sentence.
BUT I MUST PERSEVERE~
=/

Boy, no matter what we go through
You step up I'll step up too
It don't matter what the haters say
As long as you are my boo
And no matter how hard it gets
This love will have no regrets

When the lights fade away,

2007-07-01T00:49:00.000+08:00

I feel like weeping but I don't know why.

I wish you were permanently next to me so I can turn around and cry on your shoulder, I wish you were permanently on my bed so you could hug me to sleep, I wish you were permanently smiling at me so I can smile forever too.

♥

Doesnt that sound possessive urgh.

Did you really believe what they told you?

2007-06-30T17:43:00.000+08:00

The line between loving you love someone, and when you're in love with someone is very thin,
and many often tangle themselves with either, thinking that its the other emotion they're messed up in.

When you're in a romantic relationship and you suspect you just love your partner, (whether or not you were once upon a time in love) and feel like leaving,
you just do.
Even though you know it'll hurt your partner, you still leave him/her, because you know deep down that.. why the hell should you put yourself through this?

When you're in a romantic relationship and you are crazily/freshly/comfortably/complacently in love, and feel like leaving,
you don't.
Because you know it'll hurt your partner, and you want to spare him/her the agony of going through the dating process all over again and the tears and pain,
and because you still want to be the only one who can give him/her happiness.
And because, simply put, you are in love and refuse to let go.

***

Can you really forget that easily?
He told me a tale of how his close friend broke up with someone who seemed to me like an insensitive nut, and then after some time, when he got into trouble, she didn't know whether to care for him once again.

Thus begs the question, whether we can truly lose, or even gradually erase, the feelings we once had for another.
Because somewhere in our hearts, there will always be that eternal soft spot for that once-beloved.
Would you bear to kill him?
Would you bear the pain of seeing him die?
Wouldn't you still feel sad, somehow, deep down, that someone you loved so deeply once in now in the face of public humiliation?

Even if he/she ruined your life, cheated on you, or stabbed you in the gut even;
can you honestly say,
he's truly someone I don't care about anymore.

Can you?

Not just for romantic relationships, but for the various people, from all walks of life, who had once made some semblance of an impact in your life.
I don't think many people really can.
Which is sad, because how truthful then are the words I've moved on ?

Can you really forget your first love, first crush, first whatever?
Not implying that they still hold romantic places in our hearts...
But in some way or another..
We still care for them, wish them well.

And one more point to prove my thoughts-
Did you really forget them?
Are they/he/she really gone from your memory?
No, they're not.

***

The weird hypothesises you think up when you're on the bus home.

Watched Bridge to Terabithia today. I was really sleepy and wasn't really listening to the dialogue, so I didn't quite understand the story. Shall watch it again soon, but while watching it the first time the storyline seemed rather lame. Plus the girl died, so abruptly?
And the kids seemed like they belonged in a mental facility, dreaming up kingdoms and running away from imaginary fiends. -_-

But I likeeee the little girl! the kid Jess's sister. I wanna have a sister/cousin/daughter/whatever like that man ! So damn cute. Made me go home and give my cute little sister a big huggg.

:)

Things to do:
1. Finish french, like once and for all -_-
2. Start on Randal ICA2.
3. Do more research for Chong.
4. Organise meeting for Jess.
5. Start working on Azhar's film shit.
6. Read thru JW notes so I won't keep screwing up the honorifics. -____-
7. Go to the beach.
8. And more other stuff I can't remember so I NEED TO GET A NOTEBOOK/PLANNER.

uploaded merry christmas mr. lawrence, too.
just for a while, til I stop being out of this reflective phase.
been listening it that same song for hours.
boo.

Assurance is always a good thing,

2007-06-25T10:20:00.000+08:00

I was wrong, and thank God I was.
You were right for me all along :)

For coming over so late just to comfort me,
for surprising me,
for taking my words to heart...
for all that you've done to make me happy,
for loving me, accepting me,
thank you.

I appreciate all you've done for me,
and I look forward to more of your crazy (but sweet) antics. :)

♥

A match moulded carefully in the palm of God's hand

Shattered,

2007-06-23T17:29:00.000+08:00

I wish you'd do for me what you do for others.
But then perhaps that'd be wishful thinking on my part.
Fool, I can't bring myself to end the misery.

~~-♥-~~

I'm a loyal viewer of Front from now on

2007-06-23T14:21:00.000+08:00

Hello world!

It's been a long time since i've updated; my laptop conked out last saturday and the ac adaptor went kapoot. Sent it for repair, and it's back today! just in time for the new wireless we have at home :D yayness. I can be online 24/7 now woohoo.

Last week was ho hum. Stayed home and rotted most of the time. Went out here and there, but just on the basis of my poor laptop :( all the way to tiong bahru! it was my first time actually travelling to that part of singapore. first time my feet touched ground in tiong bahru, or bukit merah, for that matter.

Last saturday, my birthday! 16.06.2007

Went out with the girls and Martin for lunch at Dhoby, and then went walking around orchard. and on the way to wisma I saw zhang yao dong; i didn't know it was him - i only noticed him because he was bending over. Apparently his female companion's heel was stuck in between tiles, and he knelt down, took off her shoe and wore it back for her cinderella-prince charming style.

uhh. maybe paparazzi lurking somewhere, so act gentlemanly. hur.

Camwhoring at Heeren, later at Ti Amor:

(a) laura is such a twit.

(b) we were trying to get grace to act cutesy. ~~largely~~ unsuccessful. haha.

(d) i love you girls.

(e) cheesebites, cosmopolitan, chickenwings, white russian, tom & jerry! i never knew that show was that funny. guess i'll never know how good/funny certain stuff until i'm forced to sit down and watch it. ha.

Thanks, you guys, for spending the day with me. <3

Before I leave and start on my work, here's something that I cracked up at during the week.

while watching a Fitzy & Titzy (or something) filler from Front on Arts Central:

Fitzy: Today's talk will be about, how to enter the arts scene! Har har har har har.

...

Titzy: Last tip! Attend every opening.

Fitzy: Yes, even the opening of an umbrella! Har har har har har.

-_____________-"

hehe. have a nice (whats remaining of it) holiday! :D

Post #170 !

2007-06-15T20:16:00.000+08:00

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. Never try and spend any time without her!!! (uhhhh, possessive much? -__-)

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
55. Never to forget:
* birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer

Very very daunting for both sides, huh.
Haha.

***

Do you ever do something that you immediately regret?
Or do you not do/insist on doing or saying something, and heavily regret it later?

sigh.

When you are the love of my life,
I can't help but stop and stare.

And I knight thee,

2007-06-12T16:51:00.000+08:00

Hello, I haven't been blogging in a while cos my internet has been a big fat bitch.
Thank you, my mom is finally getting us our own wireless soon (yes I have been feeding off someone else's bowl for the past year) (and that someone has very cleverly realised that fact argh WHY MUST PEOPLE PICK UP ON THESE THINGS DONT THEY KNOW IGNORANCE IS BLISS PUI) and henceforth, I will be able to start on my work soon. Or else I'll just die, I tell you.

I WILL JUST DIE.

It's so boring at home.
I wonder what kids in those countries with no tv signals/no tv do for leisure. Play with rocks? Too bad, I don't have rocks at home, argh.
I don't even have my fat goldfish to laugh at anymore cos it died a couple weeks back.
And I think my siblings are getting very annoyed that I keep annoying them with lame jokes.
Cos otherwise all I'd be doing is stare at the wall, or sleep.
Boohoohoo, the sad life of she who is cableandinternetless. :((

And I desperately need to pee now, but I can't because I can't leave my laptop alone in koufu and then run off to pee right! BOOOO.

And and I am high on caffeine after drinking ffc's mocha on a rock.

And and and I am excited about saturday, and hopeful for tomorrow.

And and and and I really need to do my french ica. Translator.com here I come!

(and omfg! she's fucking pretty can. I wish I had her eyes. that'll be all I need to smoke men/women/ppl who can give me a higher grade ! *evil laughter*

argh, angelina. yes, my french written assignment will be about her, but I have difficulty in finding a picture of her that is vaguely decent. =/ )

And and and and and I am itching to watch shrek 3 on tudou.com but nyp has very cleverly banned it here on campus. URGH.

Will update again soon, perhaps maybe after saturday, hopefully with photos. =)))

It won't be right if we're not in it together.